Remembering 24: These Strange Ashes

 

"When human hands have done all they can — when they've done their worst — you are still held in God's hands" (Erwin Lutzer).

I took a seat as a wave of grief passed over me, and the tears began to flow. I had just completed a work meeting — the results of which were about to drastically change my life. I'm not much of a crier, but that day the wailing lasted nearly four hours. Trying to pull it together and take a deep breath, I picked up the phone and called my mom (thank the Lord for godly mothers). I explained the situation — that I was being forced out of an organization I had invested blood, sweat, and tears in — and that I wanted to try to figure out some way to make it work. But, the truth was, I was being "quietly fired" — which basically meant I could resign or be let go. I felt profoundly humiliated, betrayed, and used. Why had I chosen to sacrifice days, nights, weekends, some holidays, my creativity, and ideas for an entity that was ready to dispose of me at the drop of a hat? I wasn't sure. Had I been blind?

A blend of thought, tears, and prayer led to my final decision—it was time to pen my letter of resignation and complete my final two weeks. For years, I had pushed myself to endure, work harder, and never give up under the job conditions, but, alas, I saw clearly that it had tragically been in vain.

Elisabeth Elliot once wrote a book she named "These Strange Ashes," a story of work she felt she had done in vain. Elisabeth was a missionary who was translating the Bible into a tribal language. After laboring diligently at the task, all her translation notes were lost, never to be recovered. She penned that title "These Strange Ashes" in reflection about the loss of work she had done fully for God.

That book title seems fitting as I reflect on year twenty-four of my existence. Most of this past year was spent working for an entity that would ultimately decide to go on without me.

Since that fateful meeting, I’ve found myself experiencing all of the stages of grief, and deepening my prayer life. Investing strong effort in a cause you care about is ultimately an act of vulnerability because every little stride towards the ideal – in this case, of ending abortion – is done with heart. Once your work is dismissed by those you once considered comrades in the fight, it is crushing. However, God has thankfully met me in this newfound place of loss.

Choosing to offer up your skills, work, and effort for an oppressed people group can be fulfilling, but with such high stakes in the fight, it can also be demoralizing.

Although my season of working at one entity is over, and it came to a close in a way that felt humiliating, prayer has led me to the conclusion that regardless of what may happen between me and other advocates – good or bad experiences – the unborn deserve my defense. And that is why I continue to fight for them after such a brutal experience.

Looking Back at Year 24

The unexpected ending to my job came this July, but long before that, a lot of life was lived in year twenty-four. Looking all the way back to last August, God was teaching me through challenges what it means to have confidence based on His unchanging character and not in the coming and going of personal successes or failures. 

Feeling down after a challenging day, I wrote these words in my journal,  “Lord, I’ve made so many mistakes today. I’m hurting on the inside…Life has been rather overwhelming today. All of my wounds have been triggered and ripped wide open. So many memories flashed before me — so much grief was felt. Everything was fine for most of the day until [something happened at work]…An OK day became a very humiliating and low day…” (09.05.23). Challenges in the workplace were forcing me to look beyond my current circumstances onto the eternal for meaning. I found myself reflecting on God's unfailing presence: 

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:16). “I, even I, am He who comforts you” (Isaiah 51:12).

The month of September brought an onslaught of abortion extremism to the state of Michigan. Despite the fact that the abortion industry had succeeded in its disinformation campaign promoting Proposal 3, ending in that amendment of lies being added to our state's constitution, they were not yet satisfied in their pursuit of shedding the blood of the innocent preborn. Thus, the Reproductive Health Act was heard before Michigan's legislature. "Tomorrow, bright and early, I am going to attend the Health Policy Committee hearing of the Reproductive Health Act. Lord Jesus, please cause the RHA to fail" (09.13.23). 

That morning was hard to stomach. I joined dozens of pro-life advocates who opposed this new legislation in the House of Representatives that sought to enshrine abortion through all nine months in our state's laws. We only had a few pro-life laws left in Michigan, but the Reproductive Health Act would repeal many of those that remained. Bold pro-life professionals took the stand and defended the preborn in front of the pro-abortion majority in the committee. Months later, despite our hearty opposition, the Reproductive Health Act was passed. Today, RHA continues to be a source of oppression, discrimination, and violent harm against the most vulnerable members of our state. Never has the need been greater for every pro-life person to raise their voice on behalf of babies in the womb who are completely unable to defend themselves.

I continued praying and asking God to show me how to advocate more effectively for the unborn. He would give me peace through His Word: "You guide me with your counsel" (Psalm 73:24). Every person who seeks to defend babies in the womb brings their own unique gifts, strengths, and weaknesses to the fight — and everyone is needed in our mission to end violence against children. "God gave you a fingerprint that no one else has, so you can leave an imprint that no one else can" (Unknown).

In the midst of intense anti-abortion advocacy, I was wrestling with some personal things in my own heart. This Scripture simultaneously rebuked me and encouraged my soul — "I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps" (Jeremiah 10:23). God is sovereign over every individual aspect of our lives — the things that bring us joy, and the hardships that threaten to break us. I journaled: "May I have valiant trust in you, in your plans, and in the suffering you allow me to experience in your sovereignty" (10.22.23). I was carrying some heavy things that kept me in prayer and constantly coming to God for hope, strength, and fresh joy. God was reminding me that He works powerfully through the weakness of His people. "Our weakness is a vessel for His power and our flaws a canvas for His grace" (She Reads Truth).

When My Spirit Cries Out "SOS"

God brought great conviction upon my heart as the winter months progressed — I was living in fear in many ways, and a simple verse that many of us read around Christmastime pricked my conscience.

"She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins" (Matthew 1:21, emphasis added).

I had been studying sections of the book of Matthew and the Holy Spirit met me as I examined that one particular word — save. "The word 'Save' is the Greek word 'Sozo' which is from sos — a Greek word meaning safe or rescued. ‘Safe/rescued from destruction and brought into divine safety’ (Helps Word Studies). When I feel unsafe and my spirit cries out ‘SOS’ I will remember that I am in the care of the One named Jesus Christ who has saved my soul for all eternity and brought me into divine safety. Because of the work that Jesus has done, I have been rescued for all eternity. I dwell in divine safety even when I feel unsafe" (01.02.24) [1].

If I was enslaved to the sin of fear, God was convicting me through His Word that I needed to confess and be set free from it. Other passages that I read on different days also contributed to this. "We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin" (Romans 6:6). "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

One of my many fears, at the time, had to do with painful relationships that seemed to threaten my future. But God continued to call me out and remind me that my responsibility is to be faithful in what He places before me each day, to be kind to the people He puts in front of me, and to be intent in my pursuit of Him. I happened upon these words from Alexandra Hoover that helped me meditate on God's absolute control over every circumstance I face: 

"God will pull up the chairs and make a room at the tables that you need to be at. Your influence isn’t contingent on others. Steward what God’s called you to. Stay faithful."

 

God’s Presence in my Uncertainties

Mary Slessor — a missionary to Calabar — once spoke these profound words: "My life is one long daily, hourly record of answered prayer. For physical health, for mental overstrain, for guidance given marvelously, for errors and dangers averted, for enmity to the Gospel subdued, for food provided at the exact hour needed, for everything that goes to make up life and my poor service. I can testify, with a full and often wonder-stricken awe, that I believe God answers prayer" [2].

So many times during year twenty-four, I found myself calling upon the Lord Jesus for His intervention and provision, and He never failed to be my help. God delights in the dependence of His children — it is never a burden to Him when we bring Him our needs, heartaches, challenges, joys, hopes, desires, and dreams. He cares about all of it, and He desires for us to draw ever nearer to Him in every kind of season we face in this life.

Overcoming Relational Oppression

This past year came with a crash course in skills I never wanted to need to learn. And that would be the need to identify gaslighting and oppressive relational dynamics — discerning them with the light of Scripture.

I penned in my journal: "I will believe, with God’s help, that I am fully loved to the core of my being even when I am treated poorly by people" (05.29.24).

Have you ever had a person in your life who was incapable of convincing you of their perspective with normal human reason (or through prayer), and instead turned to psychological manipulation? Unfortunately, I had a relationship in my life that went that way. If I had a disagreement with this individual, they would tell me that I was "making up stories" or that what I thought was reality wasn't actually. I began bringing others into the situation since I was being accused of insanity. I would show a wise mentor some of the communications I received from this individual, and with their added input, and that of a Christian counselor, it became clear that I wasn't loony and my perspective wasn't wrong, but my perspective did not serve this person's narratives, and thus they resorted to gaslighting to attempt to intimidate me into embracing their conclusions.

Never before have I been so convinced of the need for more education on what manipulation looks like in relationships. If you are ever told by an acquaintance, friend, coworker, or significant other that you are crazy for not embracing their vein of thinking, be cautious before agreeing with their perspective that you're just insane and that's the whole problem. It's possible you are experiencing psychological manipulation through gaslighting. (And if you are experiencing that, I recommend picking up the book "Safe People"* by Cloud and Townsend).

If you are experiencing gaslighting, it can erode your confidence and create intense doubt about your own mental faculties. But we serve a God who tests hearts and minds — He knows every person's true motives — whether they are genuine or not. 

“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds" (Jeremiah 17:10).

Bring your hardest human relationships before God in prayer, and ask Him to fill you with discernment and courage when you face toxic behavior from others. Often God does call His people into dark places that may include encountering people with maladaptive coping strategies. Jesus is a valiant defender of His children — He is not an accuser. When people exhibit accusatory behavior, have the tenacity to remember that your identity is forever fixed in Christ — no human being can give or take away your security. One of the greatest benefits of experiencing the challenges of difficult people in our lives is that it creates an opportunity to grow in supernatural resilience before them — testifying to the eternal strength of our God, who faithfully defends us.

Remember that God Has Specifically Gifted You According to His Purposes

I hope you never encounter gaslighting in your relationships. Whether if you do or not, we all need the reminder that God has gifted us in specific, meaningful ways and wants to use our gifts for His glory. Even if others in your life have sought to sow doubt in you and the gifts God has given you, you are, in fact, gifted in many unique ways, and He has prepared you for particular good works He has in mind for you to do for Him.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).

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Year twenty-four was incredibly hard, but I look back and see that God has been faithful and present. Had I experienced a year like twenty-four a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I see in that the grace of God and His faithful presence ever going before me in the sufferings He sovereignly allows in my life. It's a sign of growth made possible by God when we can look back and see that He has given us what we needed to endure hardships we never planned to face. As I look ahead to year twenty-five, which is starting today, I feel a strong sense of grit that was built through the dirt of the previous year. 

Although I would have liked to avoid some of the difficulties of year twenty-four had that been possible, I now have new discernment about incredibly challenging situations that will help protect me from bad situations in the future. Even though I would not have chosen some of the profoundly hard relationships that were in my life last year, I have become more courageous and more resistant to manipulation as a result of it. Scripture tells us that God is working all things: "for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), so if you are currently facing a difficult year of your own, know that I am praying that God shows you His incredible power, peace, and presence as you endure the challenge before you. He is an incredibly loving and strong God who is able to see you through every difficulty you ever face. Dare to believe it, and go forth courageously in all He has called you to. Even if you've faced a season of "strange ashes," He will redeem, and He will refresh your soul in the wilderness.

"He is my loving God and my fortress" (Psalm 144:2a).

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Works Cited

1. Bible Hub. 4982 Sozo. https://biblehub.com/greek/4982.htm

2. Mary Slessor. https://www.azquotes.com/quote/721988

* I do not endorse the entire book "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend (I disagree with a few sections of it), but, generally, it is a helpful resource.

Reflections on Twenty-One: Disciplined by a Faithful Father

It would be a challenge to accurately sum up all the events of this surprising year of my existence. New opportunities arose that felt simply wondrous, while there were also trials that brought grief. "Each strand of sorrow has a place within this tapestry of grace" [1]. Do you ever have moments where you pause to thank the Lord for the finiteness of your mind? I am grateful He is omniscient and I am not. Because this trip around the sun held challenges I would not have wished to walk through, I find myself praising for how He in no way warned me about the unexpected uncertainties to come. 

It was in year twenty that COVID first hit and my adventures of bedside nursing assistant care changed from the norm. But, thankfully, the coronavirus saved its most challenging trials--as far as my inpatient experiences go--for this year. 🙃 Before, I would have a COVID patient here and there and most of my experiences were very interesting, full of learning and curiosity to discover more about the new disease process. Then things got a bit heavier as our unit nearly maxed capacity with almost all COVID patients for an entire month in the winter. 

After watching a documentary on missionaries who fought Ebola, I had always romanticized pandemic health care--wouldn't it be amazing to be on the cutting edge of science and epidemiology, bearing the light of Christ to many people nearing death? How heroic I thought such missionaries to be...entering into the chaos and bringing a healing touch. Thus, I was enthusiastic about being a CNA in a pandemic. Let's rescue the COVID patients of the world, shall we?! The thrill did not subside until I reached a point of being unable to keep up with patient care, due to an extremely high census, and I began to see death, after death, after death. This was not what I had pictured..... Aren't we supposed to be saving the world together? A particular challenge of fighting new diseases is that there is very little information off which to base care, so health care providers have effectively been blazing new trails in the treatment of the coronavirus. So, tragically, while the cure for critically ill COVID patients remained unclear, we watched a number of patients gradually reach demise, with a few recoveries here and there. 

I will note that these experiences did not cause me to conclude that our world should be eternally locked down and masked. There are so many individual takes on how our world should have responded to COVID; there were both mistakes made and effective strides taken to fight for patients' lives. It is a bit of a challenge to work in health care during these times in the world in part because people begin to assume how I must feel about all things related to certain buzzwords like vaccines, masks, shutdowns, herd immunity and the like. As is usual for me, I did not necessarily follow the crowd in my reactions, but I deeply desired to expose the light of Christ to patients nearing death through the darkest days of COVID. I will be forever grateful for each coronavirus patient I had the honor of caring for with a remarkable team. 

If we as health care staff believe our hearts were broken over the losses of our challenging fall and winter, let us also remember that God's heart went out to our every suffering COVID patient. We have a genuinely caring God (Is. 54:8b) who indwells the life of every believer. Therefore, every Christian health care staff member never once entered a COVID patient room alone. No, Christ--who is Himself the Great Physician--entered with us. He was present when we saw slow but certain declines of health; he was present when we rushed to put on PPE for a code; He was present as our hearts ached over units that at times felt more like morgues than places of healing. 

Though it is true that some health care staff in the world burned out of this field through the challenges that abounded, others of us concluded more deeply than ever that this is where God desires for us to be--at the bedside, covered in PPE and our patient's bodily fluids, standing with vulnerable people in their most devastating or most joyful of moments. 

Aside from new frontiers of health care experience, God was also leading me through moments of testing--did I really count Him my all? Would I truly give my everything up in surrender to His purposes for my life when things became painful, uncertain and did not go as I planned? God did not allow these to be mere theological questions in my head, but real experiences of year twenty-one. It's incredible how misguided my heart can be and how tragically blind I sometimes am to my own weaknesses. Oswald Chambers once spoke these simple, convicting words: "His is the future, not mine" [2]. I can mentally know the reality that Jesus holds my entire past, present and future in His mighty hands, and yet live out my day-to-day practical experiences as though it's fine for me to go my own way without consulting His wisdom. Thankfully, He is a gracious Father who confronts the places in our lives where we know the truth in our minds, but have not so well applied it to our lives, through His grace. 

My heart chewed on personal hopes, whims and wishes in contrast with what I was convicted I must do. Reading through a book on prayer, God graciously led me to pause and examine my life: "It's not pray this much, surrender this much, and you get [the answer to prayer you desire]. Nope. God doesn't work that way. He answers prayer with what's going to glorify Him the most" [3]. We have a God who prioritizes His glory above our comfort, ease, dreams and desires. This is not because He does not care about our needs and desires. He is our faithful protector and ever provides for us perfectly, after all. In the book of Isaiah, God proclaims powerful words that help us more fully grasp how incredibly vast and omnipotent He is:

"'You are my witnesses,' declares the Lord, 'and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am He. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior. I declared and saved and proclaimed, when there was no strange god among you; you are my witnesses,' declares the Lord, 'and I am God. Also henceforth I am He; there is none who can deliver from my hand; I work, and who can turn it back?'" (43:10-13). 

In a self-obsessed society, it does us some good to bow our hearts before the reality that we serve a God who is so far above us. We do not fully grasp how worthy He is of our full surrender; our lives did not come to be so that we could go after our own dreams, but so that, through His enabling grace, we might walk out His eternal purposes for our lives. Elisabeth Elliot says it boldly: "Real satisfaction and joy come in response to acceptance of the will of God and nowhere else" [4]. Betty Scott Stam was a woman who would be tested on this exact reality. Prefacing the words Elisabeth Elliot would later echo in her book, Betty once prayed: 

"Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept Thy will for my life. I give myself, my life, my all utterly to Thee to be Thine forever. Fill me and seal me with Thy Holy Spirit. Use me as Thou wilt, send me where Thou wilt, work out Thy whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever" [5].

She fully gave her life over to God's purposes. And God's plan for this young missionary and her husband was for them to share the Gospel in communist China, where they would both be martyred before reaching age thirty. 

I bet young martyrdom is not on your bucket list.

But sometimes obediently carrying out God's purposes for our lives means going uncomfortable places.

Are we willing to give up all our own plans, purposes, desires and hopes to the God of glory?

The young martyr may not have known the cost of her surrender would be so high, but she had a devoted soul that counted no cost too high for the One who had paid for her salvation with His blood: "When we consecrate ourselves to God, we think we are making a great sacrifice, and doing lots for Him, when really we are only letting go some little, bitsie trinkets we have been grabbing, and when our hands are empty, He fills them full of His treasures" [6].

When we honestly assess the state of American Christianity, there is such a grave bout of the disease of self-obsession. We want our dreams and we want to think we're spiritual for pursuing them rather than praying "Thy will be done" (Matt. 6:10). We want relaxing, comfort-inducing experiences that feel refreshing, not self-expenditure for God's purposes. We want to live by the wisdom of the world and conclude that we are yet strong Christians, glorifying God as we speak profanities and live idly just like the lost. 

Does your heart long for more? Mine does.

I'd happily be unpopular if that is a ramification of believing wholeheartedly that the entirety of this one short life is not meant to be lived by my own objectives, but radically given over to Christ for the building up of His kingdom rather than my own.

Tim Shenton gives us a peek into the cost of historical Christianity and the stark realities we often do not believe to be "necessary requirements" to live the Christian life, when in fact we must all be this devoted to Christ. To belong to Jesus means not merely to follow Him when it is easy, but on the hardest days, having full loyalty to the King of kings.

"The Gospel is the same in every generation and our faith in the unshakeable and immutable truth of Christ should be as strong now as it has ever been [...] How many of us believe Jesus Christ deeply enough to be ready to die for Him if the hour called for it. Could we take off our dancing shoes and put away our lives of merriment to take that long and lonely walk to the scaffold or be willing to lay our head on the guillotine block? [...] How deeply and firmly do I believe in Christ? Am I so embedded in Him that nothing and no one will be able to uproot me? Is Jesus Christ so important to me that if [...] I was threatened with imprisonment or death, I would be ready to take those steps down to the dungeon and to hold out my hands to the chains of my enemies? [...] There is no one but Jesus Christ who is worth following and dying for. He is the Lord of heaven and earth, waiting with open arms to welcome His saints into eternal glory, just as He waited for Stephen, the first New Testament martyr" [7].

Do we want to be haphazard Christians who reflect the world, or intentional disciples being transformed more fully into His likeness? 

"Obviously there are two kinds of greatness recognized in the Scriptures: an absolute, uncreated greatness belonging to God alone, and a relative and finite greatness achieved by or bestowed upon certain friends of God and sons of faith who by obedience and self-denial sought to become as much like God as possible" (A.W. Tozer) [8]. 

Discussions of surrender are not new to my life since God deeply pressed my heart with the cost of following Jesus the days leading up to when I gave my life fully to Him in childhood. I knew it would be difficult and joyful to live for Him. Yet, year twenty-one contained moments that did not reflect an abiding trust in the One whose ways are always higher than mine (Is. 55:9). Amy Carmichael once warned: "We cannot allow ourselves to become entangled and still believe we will have spiritual power" [9]. But even having hand-written this quote into my journal years ago, I was not so well living out its reality. 

In the depths of COVID, I struggled to push back the weight of discouragement, quickly believing my feelings rather than consulting how to apply His truth to my circumstances. In seasons of exhaustion, we need an unwavering focus upon our God who never fails. "Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you. Ponder the path of your feet; then all your ways will be sure. Do not swerve to the right or to the left; turn your foot away from evil" (Proverbs 4:25-27). Perhaps knowing this reality, I yet lived as though our locked down world would be a dark and ugly place from there on out. I was not so very hopeful, but at times writhed with pain, as I wrote about here. 

What a gracious God we have. By January, I would be walking through particular circumstances God had set up to confront my weary soul. 

For months I had planned to photograph the March for Life at the end of January for a Michigan-based nonprofit, but sadly the trip was canceled. Eventually, I connected with another pro-life organization and agreed to capture the March for Life for them instead. One night, only days prior to the event, I stepped into the hospital parking lot as I arrived for an upcoming shift, glancing at my phone as I closed the car door, only to discover a text telling me I was now called off for capturing the March for Life for this organization as well. The March for Life's staff had decided, for the first time since Roe v. Wade, there would be no national March for Life. I grappled with this reality; how could we tell the world that just because there was a pandemic and unrest we would then cut down on our efforts to stop something with a death toll far higher than COVID deaths and local fatalities combined? But I was not in charge and it was now my job to move on.

Days later, an email popped up in my inbox. Would I still come to photograph a different pro-life event at a nearby location? 

Fast forward six days, and I was sitting in my local airport, having arrived many hours prior to the flight due to familial schedule conflicts. Here I was, much too early and not a soul in sight that I knew. What to do with this free time?....God had gone before me. 

I opened up my Bible with the intent of having a half hour of reading and prayer, with a plan to quickly move on to developmental psychology homework afterward. Instead, the book of Galatians utterly stopped me in my tracks. So much for speeding through a passage. There was too much beauty and truth before me to do so. 

A brief look at the first few chapters and some cross-references caused me to pause; am I living in step with the truth of the Gospel (2:14)? Am I living a life reflective of the truth that I have been redeemed by Jesus Christ who became a curse for me, that I might be set free (3:13)? Am I redeeming the time, knowing that the days are evil (Col. 4:5-6, Eph. 5:15-21)? I was convicted that I had been living based on the goodness or roughness of my circumstances, rather than disciplining myself to walk out each day in light of the Gospel. Ever had one of those seasons you just deeply need to be disciplined by God? I am so grateful He does not ever abandon me despite my weaknesses and sin. He is a faithful Father who uses everything--including fluctuating circumstances--to land me in an airport long before departure as to get me alone with Him. Like a parent pulls their fit-throwing toddler aside for a discussion about the needs of their heart, so God ever-graciously arranged a moment for me to be called out and called higher in following Him.

In all honesty, rather than being an example of excellence like Betty Scott Stam in my life priorities of year twenty-one, I much more so reflected a fit-throwing toddler in the depths of my heart, needing my Heavenly Father's correction. I do not deserve His patience, but when He graciously disciplines us, we have a joyful opportunity to grow closer to this Savior of ours who has such amazing grace that He yet saves and sanctifies a wretch like me. 

Hoping to not have years like twenty-one again any time soon, but if it produced opportunities to know Jesus more deeply and be corrected by His loving instruction, it was utterly worth it all. 

"The soul's deepest thirst is for God Himself, who has made us so that we can never be satisfied without Him" (F.F. Bruce). 

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[1] The Perfect Wisdom of Our God by Kieth and Kristyn Getty
[2] McCasland, Dave. Oswald Chambers: Abandoned to God: The Life Story of the Author of My Utmost for His Highest. Discovery House, 1998. p.55.
[3] Gunn, Robin Jones, and Tricia Goyer. Praying for Your Future Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His. Multnomah, 2011. p. 171.
[4] Elliot, Elisabeth. Let Me Be a Woman: Notes to My Daughter on the Meaning of Womanhood. Tyndale House Publishers, 2004. Forward.
[5] Ibid
[6] DeMoss Wolgemuth, Nancy. “Betty Scott Stam: A Life of Surrender.” Revive Our Hearts, 21 Apr. 2016, www.reviveourhearts.com/blog/betty-scott-stam-life-surrender/.
[7] Shenton, Tim. John Rogers--Sealed with Blood: The Story of the First Protestant Martyr of Mary Tudor's Reign. Day One Publications, 2007. pp. 7-8.
[8] Tozer, A. W., and Gerald B. Smith. Evenings with Tozer: Daily Devotional Readings. Moody Publishers, 2015. October 7.
[9] Carmichael, Amy, and David Hazard. I Come Quietly to Meet You: An Intimate Journey in God's Presence: Devotional Readings. Bethany House, 2005. p. 46.

Through the Painful Path: Trusting Christ When All Seems Bleak

What words would you use to describe your experiences in 2020? Have you had moments of challenge, difficulty and pain? I have yet to meet one person whose life was not in someway changed by the pandemic, national unrest or political happenings last year included. No one gets to check off all the boxes on their to-do list this trip around the sun. 

With so much uncertainty can also come the aches and pains of a hurting soul. Everyone has been at least somewhat more isolated than normal. When away from those we love, there is less accountability on how we are actually doing. 

Some people share, "Well, it's been crazy, but this was actually the best year of my life!" 

I don't know about you, but I can't quite resonate.

2020 was possibly the most painful year of my life. It has pushed me much harder than I thought I could endure. It has overworked me and taken community away many a time. It has set me back on academic goals. It has been the time of fickle friendships. Yet, we can be confidently assured that not one pressure or pain of our lives exists outside the sovereign hand of our faithful God. 

We look at the unexpected events and feel a wave of grief. Yet, somehow, our mighty God is able to bring redemption and accomplish His purposes through all that appears to us to be bleakly uncertain. We have no way of knowing what our tomorrows will contain, but we may simply abide and rest knowing the One who sent Christ to rescue our souls for all eternity is also in control of this challenging moment of history.

Wouldn't it be lovely if there was a simple solution to the pain of this year? I wish I could offer you words here that I felt could free us from the depths of the ache many of us are feeling now, but I am not sure what would give such a freedom. I must come back to the central truth that sometimes God is most glorified in my suffering. We would like to imagine that God is most exalted in our happiness, but sometimes it is by walking with Christ through the fire that I may fulfill His will for me this day. These present events may seem like a dark storm cloud settled over us, not soon to move on. We do not know what will unfold with the virus, shut downs, or the future of our nation as a new administration takes power. Our confidence will tremble and not find security if we set it in these temporal things. But I have a powerful God in heaven and He is reigning! No matter what I am seeing now, there is a bright future ahead because no matter what unfolds in my earthly years--if it's much more suffering--I know that someday I will enter heaven and be with Christ forevermore. That is one place we may be certain pain will be no more.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God Himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also He said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' And He said to me, 'It is done! I am the Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death" (Revelation 21:3-8).

The only reason we are not named with those who will suffer for all eternity is because of the power of the Gospel, mightily setting us free from sin and making Christ the Lord of our lives. Not only did Jesus care for you on the day He set you free and made you His own, but now, through the monotonous, repetitive, sometimes heavy moments of our every day life, He cares and He is here. My Father is not far off! He is not some distant dream, but the very hope of my soul through every further thing--good and bad--that will happen to me. I have a confidence that I take with me when I walk through the fire; this present challenge cannot surprise my God. He has seen my aches and hurts through already, and sees fit in His perfect will for me to cause this day to be as it is--one of easy rejoicing, or a time that we will yet bless the name of the Lord from the dust and ashes. 

Do you find yourself easily rejoicing or dwelling in the ashes, my friend? If you feel you've been transported out into the middle of a desert, now walking through the wilderness, will you worship Him there? When you want nothing more than for the pain to relent, will you yet bless the name of the Lord? The One who is fully able to give or take anything away has provided us with challenges. Will you walk this dusty path with a faithless moan, or in the exhausted depths of your soul, will you give Him all of the little you may have, knowing your Father is worthy, present and good even when your circumstances are wearying, long, and bad?

My wildernesses of my life are graciously ordained by the God who providentially directs my life. He is an Author who may be trusted. He has already shown us the ending in His Word; we don't know all the details of how our years will unfold, but we know that at the end, if Christ is our Lord, we will indeed have our every tear wiped away. We may not feel strong or refreshed now--perhaps such things seem far off--but there will be a day all our earthly trials come to an end. And when we give a report of our lives to God, may we reflect on weary and broken seasons and see that they were offered up to Him. May the places in our journey we most feel tempted to doubt and give up instead become places we pursue our Christ harder--knowing even when all we are feeling is pain, He is yet as present with us as ever. 

Pain is a gift because it causes me to realize all in this world is empty apart from Christ. Earthly things don't fulfill us. Friends betray and gossip. Life doesn't go as planned. Our hearts ache. And it is right there that we find the world fails and Christ never does. 

"Jesus Christ is the same, yesterday and today and forever" (Hebrews 13:8). 

"You, Lord, laid the foundation of the earth in the beginning, and the heavens are the work of your hands; they will perish, but you will remain; they will all wear out like a garment, like a robe you will roll them up, like a garment they will be changed. But you are the same, and your years will have no end" (Hebrews 1:10-12).

"For all the promises of God find their Yes in Him [Jesus]. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory. And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put His seal on us and given us His Spirit in our hearts as a guarantee" (2 Corinthians 1:20-22). 

I have a powerful God, and it is because of His strength--and not my own--that I will purpose to offer up my most painful life chapters to the One who absolutely can be glorified in my suffering. If we are to ache and hurt according to His will, may we do it with joy in our hearts; the joy that is sourced in Christ and may never be taken away by this mysterious world and its unprecedented events. There is hope not because of material things, my own successes, or current life happenings, but because Hope is a person who has suffered in my place, having died for my sin: Jesus Christ.

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good" (1 Peter 4:19).

"Thus says the Lord: 'Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit" (Jeremiah 17: 5-8).

One Life Well Lived: Reflections on My Grandma

I shared these words for my grandma's funeral. She was such an amazing person that I believe her example can be an inspiration not only to my close family members who will hear this shared today, but to anyone seeking to live their life for the Lamb that was slain. So I share these words with you.

There are so many wonderful things that could be said of my grandma. From the beginning, she was a loving, present, faithful and Christ-like influence in my life.

My very first memory of grandma is of a day she had come over to our house to babysit my siblings and I. I must have been around preschool age; at the time I was known for being strong-willed and a tad fiery. I could get away with being naughty around some babysitters, but not grandma. You see, I think grandma and I had that feisty nature in common, so she knew all the tricks I'd try to pull. 

That particular morning, I had earned myself a timeout, and grandma told me: "Cassidy, you stay put in that chair; every time you get up, you will have one minute added to your timeout." Of course, she couldn't be serious, I reasoned. So I got out of my chair about ten times, and by the time I had finally learned my lesson, I had enjoyed thirty minutes in the beloved timeout chair. This might have been overdoing it for some children, but for me, it was exactly what I needed to see that, yes, I actually did have to obey. Grandma was not afraid of her passionate grandchild, and I knew it. I was quite a difficult one to tame, but grandma never gave up on investing in my life and reminding me why it is important to do what is right.

Knowing exactly what to say about grandma is such a challenge, because there were seventy-seven beautiful years, each one with special memories. I had the privilege of knowing her for twenty of those years, and during that time, I saw grandma in moments of highest joy, and valleys of lowest pain. 

Grandma was never one to sulk; she was very determined, and utilized her loving and strong-willed nature to touch others' lives. Though she might have felt most comfortable in her own little bubble--wrapped up in a blanket, reading a book on the couch--she had a wonderful ability to reach out to others. Grandma had this unique gift about her; she could sense when someone was new or did not feel welcome, and she would make her way over to that person, seek them out, and intentionally get to know them. This was true to the very end. After grandma had passed away in the hospital, the physician assistant came in to pronounce her death, and told me, "Only hours before her stroke [after which she became unresponsive], she was joking with me and making me laugh." 

Even amid her own pain and suffering with chronic pain and other health conditions, she was extremely purposeful. She thanked her nurses. She made sure to talk with the medical staff and get to know them.

Another strength clearly seen in grandma was her extreme resilience and endurance. She would never have described herself in that way, but every time something seemed to push her down, it wasn't long until she had sprung back up, ready to face a new day with abundant hopes and plans. 

Grandma had several heartbreaking things occur in her life; the most notable being when grandpa passed away of a sudden heart attack. I never met grandpa, but whenever I asked her about him, she would always say, "He was the most wonderful husband in the world." She had truly lost the love of her life, and I don't think I'll ever fully grasp how hard that must have been for her. Terms like depression always seemed foreign to grandma, because, somehow, she always stayed afloat through the pain. She had a strong faith that did not hinge on life going well from her perspective. She was devoted to "follow the Lamb whithersoever He goeth" (Revelation 14:4).

She was devoted to "follow the Lamb whithersoever He goeth" (Revelation 14:4).

And she meant this commitment to Christ! At one time in her life, she prepared for missions in Africa, believing God might have been leading her there. Instead, God lead her to serve in Canada for a time. But her sheer willingness to cross the ocean and enter into the unknown resounded from the surrender that dwelt deep inside her soul. Her life was not her own; she had been bought with a price. And she sought to glorify God throughout all her life.

Grandma was especially purposeful about pouring into those around her. Sometimes, if my siblings or I were really in a lot of trouble, we would be dropped off to grandma's house for several days. This was a place of certain heart-resets. Grandma was not worried about pleasing us every moment, though she was extremely loving; she was willing to have hard conversations with us kids and ask heart wrenching questions that dove to the depths of why we found ourselves in trouble. She had strong insight and always knew how to create a convicting conversation with us on why change was necessary. Don't get yourself in trouble with grandma, but if you do, she'll be certain to love you into a place of life-change.

Grandma was a soul of kindness. Her resolute thoughtfulness could be seen regularly, but especially when a holiday would roll around, only to find that she had been stitching away at a lovely quilt or handmade ornament just for the recipient. She cared about gifting and creating in a way that made a legacy; I see now in many of these beautiful gifts that there was not only the intentionality of a visionary mind, but the touch of kindness that lives on. She loved her family so well, and wanted us to know it. She was always there for us, even allowing me to live with her for several months when my family divided. She was often deep in thought, and had a glorious laugh that I long to hear again.

Her thoughtful example will not be forgotten. Her devotion to Christ will continue to inspire me. Her example of loving others as Jesus has will always remind me why I should break out of my own little world and invest into the lives of others.

I believe this poem by C.T. Studd reflects well on the life she lived:

Two little lines I heard one day,

Traveling along life's busy way;

Bringing conviction to my heart,

And from my mind would not depart;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yes only one,

Soon will its fleeting hours be done;

Then, in 'that day' my Lord to meet,

And stand before His judgement seat;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, the still small voice,

Gently pleads for a better choice

Bidding  me selfish aims to leave,

And to God's holy will to cleave;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, a few brief years,

Each with its burdens, hopes and fears;

Each with its clays I must fulfill,

Living for self or in His will;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

When this bright world would tempt me sore, 

When Satan would a victory score;

When self would seek to have its way,

Then help me Lord with joy to say;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Give me Father, a purpose deep,

In joy or sorrow Thy word to keep; 

Faithful and true what e'er the strife,

Pleasing Thee in my daily life;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Oh let my love with fervor burn,

And from the world now let me turn;

Living for Thee, and Thee alone,

Bringing Thee pleasures on Thy throne;

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, yet only one,

Now let me say, "Thy will be done";

And when at last I'll hear the call

I know I'll say "twas worth it all";

Only one life, 'twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last.

Only one life, t'will soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ will last. 

And when I'm dying, how happy I'll be,

If the lamp of my life has been burned out for Thee.

Grandma, you were always too humble to admit it, but your were truly a remarkable soul. I am so glad you are now in the presence of God eternally, face to face. There is no more pain where you are. And though we have tears here, deeply saddened over your departure, our faith in the same Savior gives us great hope of standing before the throne with you someday, singing together, "Worthy is the Lamb that was slain."

Revelation 4:11 says: "You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things; by Your will they exist, and came to be." Grandma, God created you; by His will you existed and came to be. And how you lived your one life well for your Maker. 

May we be encouraged by your example to do the same.

H e l l o || n i n e t e e n

The past 365 days have contained more than I would have known to dream up. Today I leave 18 behind…

This time last year, I was finishing my final weeks at missions school. Homework, class sessions, sleeplessness, to-dos, and time with Jesus filled my time in Colorado to the max. As a Michigan native, the sweeping, majestic mountain view from the small campus often left me in awe. And the sunsets regularly left this talkative extrovert wordless; the depth of the blazing red and orange skies caused me to ponder how detailed, creative, and brilliant our Maker is.

I’ve struggled to adequately sum up my time there; messages like “The Majestic Jesus” and “The Lowercase f,” along with regular devotional thoughts on the nature of God, as revealed through His names in Scripture, opened my heart to a new level of knowing our incredible Jesus. I could use the word awe again and again, because that’s what I experienced nearly every day. He’s just so worthy!

There were also some rough patches in my time there right after my birthday last year; though they aren’t all easy memories to look back on, I trust the Truth of His Word that absolutely everything will be worked together for good, and that nothing in all creation can separate me from His love (Romans 8:28, 35-39).

In all honesty, I came back broken. Probably more so because of myself than anything else, but life was a struggle.

I began working at Bishop Hills again two days after arriving home from school. I had received my license as a Certified Nursing Assistant five months before, and felt it would be wisest for the time being to continue gaining experience in assisted living. As I previously chronicled on this blog, not every moment of working as a CNA has been a breeze, but caring practically for those who are hurting has been such an eye-opening experience. This past year of employment as an aid has been so important; Jesus was graciously giving me opportunities to humble myself and take the lowest place. The truth is, I’d love to be through with school and already have the position in healthcare I anticipate having in the future. It’s been a continual opportunity to lay every desire at His feet and trust His perfect timing and leading.

There’s a reason for this season. Every day of assisting my residents with their ADLs {activities of daily living} and other needs is preparing me for the future. It’s been my deep hope to serve well at Bishop Hills, even as I simultaneously see it as a “stair step” in my experience in caring for others facing crisis or just needing assistance.

In addition to that job, I also ended up nannying for three different families at various times throughout the year. Little Miss Lucy was my “regular.” Every Monday when her mom and siblings went off to homeschool group, Lucy and I got to hang out. She has the most precious smile and laugh; her strong will, love for her family, and curiosity have made my day many a time. Home life over the past year has been on the unstable side with my parents’ separation, but amid brokenness, Jesus was using little things to lift my eyes to Himself. Lucy was one of them!

Many tears were shed as our family worked through logistics, and all things life-change that come with the dividing of a home. It left me with an assurance within my soul that I was entirely and completely unable to do anything apart from His grace. Looking back, I see the pain and sorrow, but I know He was bringing about beauty from ashes.

I’ve always had the propensity to keep everyone at an arm's length, which created more ramifications than it helped while I was walking through what one might term “rawness” of soul. I’m the one who would prefer to cry in the bathroom, and not come out till I can put on a convincing smile and go on in conversation as if nothing ever happened. I did that a fair bit last year; people would reach out to me mercifully, having heard a piece of what was happening, and rarely did I feel comfortable enough to actually open up and share with others. Learning to be vulnerable in a way that also honors those around me has been a difficult lesson. I tend to be silent about the “deeper,” more achy things that are going on in my life, but I have been seeing afresh that because of the hurt I have walked through, Jesus has given me a special door of entrance in showing mercy and care to those facing similar circumstances. You learn to truly mourn with those who mourn when you have suffered yourself. I’m grateful He graciously uses what has been trauma in my own life so that I can meet other women where they’re at and remind them that our God is always faithful, even when our hearts are breaking.

I walked out of our local movie theatre, after watching a pro-life film with a sweet friend and saw Laura Alexandria, the Director of Operations with Grand Rapids Right to Life. A brief conversation had a new idea excitedly planted in my mind...They were looking to hire a new staff member, and my friend recommended me for the position.

I was conflicted. This.is.not.medical.

Should I even apply for a job that I would be super passionate about, but that wasn’t in the industry I was pursuing??

Three interviews and five months later, I was the Student Trailblazer of Grand Rapids Right to Life.

Since I accepted this position, I have had the privilege of coming alongside high school and college students as they seek to advocate for the unborn. It has been sort of strange to be the eighteen year old visiting the college Students for Life groups with the desire to encourage and mentor individuals--many of whom are older than me--in this battle for life. My passion to speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves has continued to grow as I have worked with GRRTL. From tracking down the Democrat pro-choice table at the Women’s Convention and having intentional conversations about life, to meeting amazing Students for Life group leaders for coffee and getting the opportunity to uplift them and pour into their lives; I feel like a kid in a candy store.

The longer I know Jesus, the more I feel entirely unable to do nothing about the incredible injustice of abortion. He deeply loves every single person He has created, and I long to share all the more in His incomparable compassion for those who are at-risk.

Speaking of knowing Jesus, this summer marked 7 years in Christ. In Scripture, 7 is often a mark of completion, which I know is so intentional on His part; He knew this would be a year of turmoil and loss, and now more than ever I see the reality that I have never been complete apart from Jesus (Col. 2:10). Within a culture that constantly proclaims a message of self-sufficiency, ever saying, “Yes, you are enough!” I have been comforted with the exact opposite. I’ve never been enough on my own; it’s trying to see myself as enough that turns into a culturally-applauded fiasko of self-adoration which leaves my soul feeling bankrupt and insecure. But when I take my eyes off of myself and my innumerable insufficiencies and instead place my heart and mind on the One who has taken my place, suddenly, my perception of life changes. No longer does my peace and joy hinge upon what I can and cannot do; instead it’s about Jesus and all He is. He never fails and always gives me exactly what is needful for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3).

Jesus is enough!

It’s been a theme this year. The easter drama I was in was named “Enough.” My job as a CNA began to change when I chose to stop centering it on perfectionism and instead saw it as an opportunity to worship the Sufficient One. My daily life changed as I consciously rested my heart in His enoughness.

 I also started multiple blogs, led Bright Lights, moved, drove my car into a tree, got bodily fluids on my scrubs on several occasions, witnessed many babies saved from abortion, and did the dishes more times than I’d like to count, but through it all Jesus has been completely faithful. New critics, new friends, a new town, and all sorts of life changes surround this season of life. And I know every day of nineteen, He will faithfully lead me. From sleepless night time studies, to continuing to write all 640 some youth Pastors in the Grand Rapids area about the pro-life movement, it shall be anything but boring!

(Yep, I’m still an incurable nutcase like that…)

My sweet friend Bri Stoltzfus shared these words with me on our birthday last year (we were born on the same day!):

“Isn’t it exciting to think that we can give 100% for Jesus every single day of 18?!”

And that is my prayer for 19 as well, because His grace is always enough through every year of life.

Gaining Lasting Security

It was a normal Wednesday afternoon. I was in the kitchen, cleaning up after the kids I nanny (who had just gone down for nap), when I suddenly froze and stared at the floor. It wasn’t the crushed chips and sandwich crusts that caught my attention, but a painful memory. It was as if I were reliving the moment, my mind flashed a past situation before me. On a warm Windsor day, I was looking into the eyes of a teacher whose expectations I had not met. No words had been used as I walked by the individual, but volumes were spoken to my heart. You knew better. What were you thinking? You have not met the standard of this school. I don’t care for you. Maybe you shouldn’t have come here. Would this teacher actually have said these things to me if the moment had allowed? I do not know. As my eyes glazed over the brown hardwood floors, I realized that I was allowing this past circumstance to shape me. I was letting a memory paralyze me.
I remembered the temperature of the room. How I felt. The way I wanted to disappear. Yet none of that helped me to move forward. I came to the realization that I could either continually let this memory steal all my confidence and peace whenever it came up, or I could place it in Jesus’ hands and move on. What are we to do when those around us reject us and we feel out of place? Should we cave to insecurity and give others control over our sense of worth? Praise Jesus that we never have to live like that since we are in Christ. And if we have been living in that way, He is fully able to help us to move on and place our confidence in Himself alone.

3 Thoughts on Gaining Lasting Security 

Evaluate your perspective

How do you see your circumstances? Do you believe they have the power to dictate the response of your soul? If I look at life this way, I am seeing everything out of the lens of a victim. Even if the worst has come to worst, never forget that the work Jesus accomplished at the cross on your behalf cannot ever be undone! He has been entirely Victorious over the enemy; He has set you free. And we are held in the hollow of the hands of this Victor. You are being carried at this very moment in victory! Hurt cannot undo redemption. Problems cannot undo redemption. Others disliking us cannot undo redemption. Cling to the Truth that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God. It’s what His Word tells us!

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:31-39).


Don’t allow the opinions of others to make or break you

Security does not mean that everyone thinks well of us and likes us. It is very well possible that the teacher I mentioned above actually does feel that way about me, but, you know what? Others’ dislike or harshness can never change the reality of our position in Christ. The work Jesus accomplished on my behalf will never be changed by the opinions of those around me. When I sidewalk counsel, there is a pro-choice lady who I try to reach out to who regularly tells me, “I do not like you!!” Does that mean I should quit counseling and go home? Nope. Wherever Jesus has led us, we need to remember that we answer to Him for what we are doing. I will not answer to that pro-choice lady or to that missions school teacher but to Jesus. (Of course we must still respect authority, but my teacher does not have authority to change my sense of security because my security is in Jesus. I do not have to be shaken regardless of what is said because I am founded on the Rock whom no storm may ever confound).


Set your mind on the Sufficient One

Remember that life is too great a burden to carry yourself. You cannot do this alone (John 15:5). You NEED Jesus in order to thrive in the spot in which He has placed you. In our culture, the message of self-sufficiency is continually preached. “You are stronger that you think.” “You don’t need others! You’re a strong, independent woman.” But the Word of God shows us that humanity is insufficient. We could not save ourselves—we did not have what we needed to be rescued—only Jesus was strong enough to conquer sin, death and hell. Jesus, our Victor, lives in us and He is the One who has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. Preach to your soul the reality of His ability and strength in our weakness. He goes with us through every circumstance of the day. As we continue on, we will experience difficulty. The enemy loves to try to shake us up, but what’s amazing is that our Jesus does not only walk with us through the beautiful open fields of life, but also the wilderness. In seasons where we feel a regular propensity to cave to insecurity, may we then, in a new way, regularly experience His grace, which brings us to victory!
My security is not found in everyone enjoying my presence or in perfected circumstances, but solely in my Redeemer. We are free in Christ, and we may experience this liberating reality of victory most when challenges arise. The next time insecurity comes knocking, lift your soul’s vision to Jesus. And, in the words of a lovely old hymn, the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace. [1]

--
1. Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Helen Howarth Lemmel

Even So It Is Well With My Soul

This season of life has been unique. Kind of like the mornings of sidewalk counseling when the brisk, bone chilling temperatures threaten to turn you blue, when suddenly the sun peeks over the clinic for just a moment. Light exposing the shadows. Clouds moving. Darkness fleeing. Warmth growing.

If I could have written the story of my life, I would not have included the chapters of much of what 2016-2017 included. But I am not in control, and these have been, shall we say, different times of life.

"Growth of any kind demands difficulty."

My missions school teacher preached these words to my class this summer. It's a comfort in the regard. that it must imply that Jesus so desires for me to grow that when worst has come to worst, He is still my True Vine and is growing His branch. 

Between living in a broken family, my health having a hissy fit, encountering work problems, and trying to clarify plans for what's next, life has felt kind of odd. 

You know those people in your life who care but are harsh in the way they respond? (As in have to lecture you whenever they have an opinion about something you said?) We all have individuals in our lives like that; however, not every person will treat us in this manner. Yet whenever someone asks, "So how are you doing?" I am thinking about how I would prefer not to expound lest I be lectured on how I need to keep my chin up.

I'm not looking for optimism. I'm looking for Him here. In the dark. In the pain. In the brokenness. In everything that has not made sense, He is yet present. He is God and He has already overcome. This means that I have grace to push through, because He is always strong when I feel weak.

When I get to cancel my plans because my stomach is sick and tired of being a stomach. When family situations flare up and we have to sort through things. When my coworker is angry with me for being "too nice" to a resident, because she believes we should have a drill sergeant approach. When three timeouts have to be given within an hour to the same child while nannying. When a random guy yells at me outside the abortion clinic because He doesn't want to hear a single thing about Jesus.

In each of these moments and every one hereafter, He is God. He will never change. He is my Healer, my Peace, my Joy, my Discernment, and my Hope. 

When peace like a river attendeth my way

AND when sorrows like sea billows roll

At both seasons of life, He is faithful. Do I understand why some things in my life are falling apart without explanation? No. 

BUT whatever my lot

Thou has taught me to say 

"It is well with my soul."

No matter how much everything around me threatens to fall in, He will never be shaken. He is my Rock. Because of who He is and the grace He provides for me each day, each hour, and each second, I'm going to make it. Up one more mountain. Through a thousand storms. Beyond the valley.

This God of ours is able when we're just not able anymore. 

When the stress, sadness, and pressure are there under the surface, He sees. Even when no one else does. He is our only place of rest when this world has us exhausted beyond taking the next step; what good moments these are to show us how empty we are and how full and able He is. 

It's not as the world says. "You're stronger than you think!" No, I'm weaker than I think (in and of myself), but He is always strong, able, and faithful. The moment I think it's about me and anything I can do, I stop living out of heaven's resource and start living just how the enemy wants. Without abiding in the Vine. And my goodness does our strength ever run out quickly when we do not live by His grace. 

He is Here with us, and He will enable us, if we will look to Him.

An Egyptian servant woman found herself being used for the purpose of growing someone else's family. She discovered that she was expecting a baby, and the wife of her child's father treated her very harshly. Probably feeling overwhelmed and hopeless, she fled into the hot wilderness to get away. Pausing to rest at a spring of water, an angel came to her. The angel asked where she was going, to which she replied, "I am running away from my owner." 

Things were broken in her life. Pain, difficulty, and sadness were likely deeply rooted in her heart. How would this messenger from heaven respond? Tell her to get over it and move on?

No, the messenger told her to return to her owner, and gave her a promise. He shared some of God's plan for what was to come, and reminded her that the Lord had heard her affliction. He had noticed, and had not overlooked even the slave girl. She was important in His sight. She called upon the name of the Lord who was speaking to her and said, "Lord, you see me!" 

This is the only place in Scripture we see Jesus called El Roi: He sees me. (Genesis 16). 

How incredible is it that He revealed more of who He is to her at a place of brokenness in her life. What if she had never faced the troubles with Sarai and Abram? Would she ever have come to call upon Him and know Him?

As I walk through what feels like a wilderness, I want to remember Hagar, and where she was met by Jesus. 

Jesus is worthy of this. If what I'm experiencing now will cause me to need Him more desperately... If all the changes of plans work together so that He might be glorified.... If the pain, sorrow, and heartache cause me to remember that He alone is my Home, then it will be worth it all.

If He will be known better (and how He is worthy of being known and proclaimed), then I want to face whatever He has coming. When I awake to a hundred new challenges tomorrow, He will be there. He sees me; it's who He is, and He never changes. I will not be abandoned while I walk a path that seems dry and dusty. 

There is no pit so deep that His love is not deeper still // Corrie ten Boom

El Roi is with me; He dwells in me, and nothing in all creation can separate me from His love. Nothing at all. There is nothing I could face that He has not first seen; He doesn't ever abandon His children. We are always in His sight.

God wants to take our problems and turn them into building material for His miracles // Corrie ten Boom, Tramp For the Lord

He is working everything together, at this very moment, for good unto those of us who love Him. He will be glorified here, if I will obey and surrender. If I will listen and follow Him in what seems strange and unexpected from my perspective, He will accomplish His eternal purposes in and through this existence. 

And Lord, haste the day

When my faith shall be sight

The clouds be rolled back as a scroll

The trump shall resound

And the Lord shall descend 

Even so

It is well with my soul

Because He is God, tomorrow is possible. Pain may be included. Sorrows may produce silent aching. Troubles may create a strain. But if He is with me, then it is possible. He sees me, and He is here, so I may push on. He is worthy, and He alone makes it well with my soul.