Surrendered Scars: Finding Unshakable Hope on the Darkest Night

Do you have any of "those memories" in your life? Things you've been through that you certainly know God will use for good, yet you also still feel the pain. There's a scar in your heart; it doesn't take any convincing for you to believe this is a fallen world. You chronically see it, take it in and experience the ramifications of brokenness in your own life.

In my life, I've been wrestling with a question. What should I do with the scars...?

Those hard things you reflect on and cannot yet see redemption in, but expectantly await His glorious transformation. Right there. Healing in the full capacity. Getting to understand His eternal purpose in our sufferings; seeing how His name was lifted high in our darkest nights, even when hopes were dashed, hearts were broken, and life seemed to fall apart.

The Truth remains true in the bad things of life that we experience.

Though we walk through seasons that feel like a wilderness, He is alive.

One of the names of God is El Chay: the Living God (Joshua 3:10, Ps. 42:2). From Hebrew, Chay can be translated as: alive, fresh, strong, life, living, springing. Its meaning goes yet further: to sustain life, revive from sickness, revive from discouragement, revive from death, vigorous, fresh [water], running [water].

One commentary has this to say:

"The OT places a high value on life and views it as being good. It came from God [Gen. 2:7], but death ensued because of sin. Man was no longer allowed to partake of the tree of life [Gen. 3:22]. God is the source of life [Ps. 36:9] and the Lord of life and death [Job 12:10]...Chay is a set of experiences, not an abstract principle of vitality which is separate from the body. The Hebrews viewed man holistically, i.e. body, mind and spirit were a unified whole. Life was associated with health, prosperity, vitality, etc., while death was the very opposite" (In the Bible Commentary).

We live in a world affected by death.

God is so loving. He placed His creation--in the beginning--in a beautiful garden. This simply was a taste of heaven. We cannot fathom what this world was like in the beginning, exactly as God intended it; a place where there was no such thing as brokenness, pain, sorrow, trauma, or sin. Adam and Eve walked closely with God and enjoyed His creation.

But even in literal perfection, Eve chose to heed the words of the serpent rather than to obey the One who had given them life. For a moment's pleasure of tasting the forbidden fruit, Adam and Eve traded closeness and intimacy with their Maker and a life with no scar or stain of sin for what the enemy promised would be better. He cunningly spoke: "You will not surely die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil" (Genesis 3:4b-5).

Perhaps as Eve examined the fruit, she pondered the words of the serpent. What would it be like to have this fruit? Maybe God was being cruel in telling them not to partake of it? How could her perspective of the world and of life at large be different if she was "like God" as the serpent proposed?

The serpent's idea did not lead to her liberation, power, and exaltation. Instead, for the very first time in their existence, Adam and Eve hid from God [Gen. 3:8]. God had given His prized creations the choice to obey or disobey, and when they had chosen the latter, there were consequence that would not only affect them, but every person to come.

God told the serpent that he was cursed above all livestock and beasts of the field, and that he would traverse the fallen earth on his belly, eating dust for all the days of his existence. In the next verse comes the first prophecy of a Savior who would bring redemption to fallen, broken human beings, and the ruin of the enemy.

"I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and her offspring; He shall bruise your head, and you shall bruise his heal" (Gen. 3:15). 

God here proclaims His supremacy and sovereignty, exalting that He is greater than the enemy's attempt to overpower Him. Satan's effort to ruin His creation would not be the end of the story. God would yet be exalted in all the earth and bring glory to His name and no other. "I am the LORD; that is my name; my glory I give to no other, nor my praise to carved idols" (Isaiah 42:8).

Adam and Eve rebelled against God even when He had given them everything they could need. Yet, in His mercy, He would use the their line to eventually bring a Savior to lift His sinful creations from the miry clay into the redemption and wholeness that can only be found in Christ.

Here we are, several thousands of years later, and we know the story and name of this Savior.

In order to rescue His creations, Jesus willingly came and died. Isn't it amazing to think that the Creator of the universe would suffer for us and die an excruciating death, bearing our sin, experiencing the death we deserved, and ascending into hell where we were supposed to go, and rising again in triumph that any person who put their faith in Him could be set free?

If you walk in this reality, as His child, hallelujah. By His grace we proclaim to this fallen earth that the fall, suffering, death and sin are not stronger than our mighty God. Yes, we feel pain, experience suffering, and have anything but simple lives, but your relationship with God never promised you an easy existence.

When preaching to great crowds, Jesus spoke these words: "Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? [...] So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14: 27-28, 33).

Following Jesus is not a program to make all your dreams come true, send all your problems fleeing away, deposit tons of money into your bank account, or to please you every second of your existence. To pursue Christ means death to self, refining sanctification, and the exaltation of our God. It is difficult, and He calls for a counting of the cost. Are you willing to lay everything down for His glory?

We'd like to think that surely God would be most glorified in our comfort, peaceful circumstances, perfect health at all times, and a sense of worldly security, but this is often not the lot of those who have chosen Christ.

Paul was so purposefully pursued by Jesus, as a shining light blinded him and he heard Jesus speak directly to him (Acts 9); after giving His life to Christ, Paul became a great leader in the early church. If it was the will of God to spoil His redeemed in every happiness of earth, surely the one whom God pursued in such a way would experience such ease. Rather, in one of his letters, Paul shares some of the many sufferings he endured for the name of Jesus:

"...far greater labors, far more imprisonments, with countless beatings, and often near death. Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from the Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches" (2 Corinthians 11:23b-28).

 Even having experienced each of these things, Paul had not lost heart. His hope did not hinge on outward circumstances, but on His eternal God.

"Therefore, having this ministry by the mercy of God, we do not lose heart [...] For what we proclaim is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, with ourselves as servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh" (2 Cor. 4:1, 5-11, emphasis added).

As a Christian, you will go through hard things, there is no doubt. Yet, even in our darkest night, we have a Defender and Savior who ever lives and intercedes for us (He. 7:25). You are never abandoned, forgotten, let go, unseen, or cast aside amid your suffering; He intends for the strongest storms to cast us upon Himself more fully. How would you know your need for a Savior if you felt self-sufficient? Praise the Lord for challenges that make beautiful displays of His nearness to broken souls.

If you're in a similar place to where I am--not yet seeing every way personal hardships work our for my good and His glory--rest your soul afresh in the truth that your all-knowing God is not silent in your heartbreak. When we walk through immense difficulties, it is then that we discover the sufficiency of His grace to sustain us amid our human weakness (2 Cor. 12:9-11).

"Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life" (Psalm 54:4).

If your heart is broken, your body is failing you, or your circumstances threaten to unravel entirely, I'm certain you've already sensed the emptiness of the solutions this world offers. A focus solely on the here and now seems nearly unbearable for those of us walking through deep waters. Praise the Lord for this reality; when we sense the fleetingness of this life, we are beginning to grasp that God intends much more for us than a comfortable worldly experience. As C.S. Lewis has said:

"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that we were made for another world" [1]. 

Rest for weary souls is not ultimately found in what this world has to offer. We are in desperate need for our Savior who is Himself the epitome of Hope, Rest and Salvation. "The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears toward their cry. The face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all [...] The Lord redeems the life of His servants; none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned" (Psalm 34:15-19, 22).

Your circumstances may continue be difficult through the twists and turns of life, but no matter the ferocity of the storm, our God will be stronger and He will lead us in triumph, displaying His sufficiency in a broken world with hurts, tears, and pains. In Christ, you will not get everything you want, but you will have everything you need (2 Peter 1:3). He has gone before you and knows your frame; you do not serve a cruel God who wants to harm you, but a gracious Father who knows how to strip His children of self and more fully display the life of Christ in us. This may be painful, but it can also be immensely joyful, because we may always find hope in Jesus, our Rescuer and He is always with us through every tempest.

"Do not let yourself be thrown down or give in to despair. Stand evenly at the will of God....For after winter comes summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies" (Samuel Rutherford, as quoted by Amy Carmichael) [2].

--
1. Lewis, C.S. Mere Christianity. Collins, 1977.
2. Carmichael, Amy and David Hazard. I Come Quietly to Meet You: an Intimate Journey in God's Presence. Bethany House Publishers, 2005, p.146.

An Accidental Crash Course in "Flight Nursing"

It had been an incredibly eventful week. I had spent many hours of the previous twelve days in the emergency department, assisting patients. I was grateful for the opportunity to get some overtime before the start of college, but I also keenly felt a need for rest.

Thankfully, I had finished my last shift and was on my way to sunny Arizona to join my family for vacation. 

God graciously brought conviction upon my heart; did I look at this vacation as my only source of rest? Did I believe this circumstantial deliverance from work was more important than serving others for His glory? These questions were about to be put to the test.

I was sitting in a lovely window seat in the plane taking in the calm, dark outdoor views, with hopes of going off to sleep, when an announcement was made over the loudspeaker. 

"Attention passengers, do we have any medical personnel abroad?"

My mind was groggy from a lack of sleep, but quickly, I raised my hand in response. I was directed to make my way to the back of the aircraft. Here I discovered a gentleman who had apparently passed out. An RN from a Spectrum outpatient clinic had also responded to the incident. Quickly, we both began to assess the situation. 

The gentleman was seated awkwardly, making it look as though his legs had given out on him at the time of his possible syncopal episode. Bits and pieces of his medical history were being obtained. The individual had a history of high blood pressure and was on medication for it, but recently his physician noted that this medication was softening his pressures too much. But the physician--for some reason--had not yet taken the gentleman off his prescription or changed the dose, knowing this risk.

When the RN obtained a blood pressure, it was low enough that if we were in the ED, I knew our providers might already be thinking along the lines of intubation if the pressure would continue to drop. I felt nervous. He was confused and appeared to be lightheaded. We were 40-some minutes from landing, and if this individual went unresponsive, all we had to offer him was CPR. We did not even have a way of obtaining an oxygen saturation, let alone interventions. 

The gentleman also noted a family history of heart disease, which was not reassuring. After obtaining a respiratory and heart rate--both within normal range--the RN and I assisted the individual to a nearby seat, then preformed a fuller assessment. The next successful blood pressure was closer to normal range; I was so grateful to see this improvement. Things can go pretty with low blood pressures and quickly so. 

I began to keep a written record of the man's symptoms, the bit of medical history I knew, current medications he was taking, vital signs we obtained, and what happened that evening so I could give an accurate report to EMS at landing. 

The gentleman was very thankful and kind. What a change this was compared to some of the aggressive patients I had recently worked with. He thanked me and asked me my name--even while experiencing some continuing confusion from his syncopal episode--and shared about his own life. God is so gracious; He knows how much I love to connect with my patients.

Eventually, we landed and two firefighters boarded the plane. I gave report to them; then off went my "patient" and his son with a flight attendant following closely behind, to receive more adequate medical care.

After exiting the plane several minutes later, I saw the individual again, surrounded by several firefighters as they obtained an EKG and gave him a chance to rest. 

I smiled, thinking how thankful I was that the Lord allowed me to be involved in this gentleman's care. If Jesus had given me my way and allowed me to have an uneventful flight, I would have missed out on a chance to see His ability to provide strength to me amid exhaustion. And answer my prayer as I silently asked Him for a supernatural ability to hear the blood pressure--with a noisy plane and very low quality stethoscope. While I felt so uncomfortable eventually being the only medical person attending to the man--feeling like I needed a doctor and RN to tell me what to do next--the Great Physician Himself directed me and attentively watched over the individual.

I had the idea that to keep from burning out of medical care, I needed to fly thousands of miles away from my job and have a full out break. Jesus gently reminded me that I am not only called to pour into others lives when I'm on the clock, but whenever He places someone in my path to share His love with. 

Sometimes the best rest I can receive comes in a way that seems counterintuitive. We think we can only give so much of ourselves before we break, but the amazing thing about being in Christ is that we may depend on His grace, which never runs out! 

"He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weakness, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then, I am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).

Though we may find ourselves exhausted and even personally in need, God often provides the opportunity to turn outward and look into the needs of others, empowered by His strength. As Oswald Chambers has said: "Once we realize that Jesus has served us even to the depths of our meagerness, our selfishness, and our sin, nothing we encounter from others will be able to exhaust our determination to serve others for His sake" [1].

There's no doubt in the minds of those who invest care in other's health; our jobs are hard. There have been times I've come home from work and just cried, and other times I've literally jumped for joy. What is my response to a line of work that can be so trying? Where do I run to for refreshment for my soul?

In Psalm 34, we find this beautiful encouragement:

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him! Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints, for those who fear Him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing...The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and His ears toward their cry...When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. Affliction will slay the wicked, and those who hate the righteous will be condemned. The Lord redeems the life of His servants; none of those who take refuge in Him will be condemned" (34:8-10,15,17-22).

My refuge, rest and refreshment do not lie in my circumstances. No amount of vegging, vacationing or self-care can provide all that my soul ultimately needs. Taking time to breathe, enjoying family trips and showering are all great gifts from the Father of heavenly lights (James 1:17); yet even when we have attempted these things to their fullest degree, we eventually still discover a lingering emptiness.

All of creation is crying out for redemption (Romans 8:19-25)! Our only completeness lies not in momentary peace, but in the One who laid down His very life to make us His own.

"And you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power" (Colossians 2:10).

Jesus is the only One who can ultimately satisfy our souls. As we rest ourselves in His sufficiency, He cultivates in our hearts a love for those around us.

Paul wrote to the church at Galatia: "For you were called to freedom, brethren; only do not turn your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole Law is fulfilled in one word, in the statement, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself'" (Galatians 5:13-14).

Do you know what Jesus deserved? Adoration. The worship of multitudes of angels and every creation He has ever made. To be served entirely and treated as the King He is. Yet this is what Scripture tells us of Him:

"...Though He was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross" (Philippians 2:6-8).

The Most High willingly made Himself low for our redemption.

The only reason I can ever say "I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:9) is because the One who is Life Himself took my place. "By oppression and judgement He was taken away; and as for His generation, who considered that He was cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people" (Isaiah 53:8).

Because Jesus lives in us, we have everything we need to serve others with joy, even when it is difficult. I do not serve others as an attempt to gain God's favor, but out of the restful knowledge that no one in the world could ever earn God's approval by our works. "Yet we know that a person is not justified by the works of the law but through faith in Jesus Christ, so we also have believed in Christ Jesus, in order to be justified by faith in Christ and not by works of the law, because by the works of the law no man shall be justified" (Galatians 2:16).

For all who are in Christ, there is no condemnation! Never do we have to worry that we must alleviate the wrath of God by our efforts (it would be impossible), instead--only because of Jesus--we are set free from the punishment we deserved, and may serve Him without fear (Luke 1:74).

Finding refreshment for our own souls in Christ alone, we may turn outward and walk in His steps, being moved with compassion for those who are in need (Mark 1:41,8:2).

"Wouldst thou be a chief? Then lowly serve, Wouldst thou go up? Then go down. But go as low as you will, the Highest has been lower still" (author unknown).

Are we willing to lay aside our own comfort that we may pour out and serve others as Jesus has done for us?

--

1. Chambers, Oswald. My Utmost for His Highest. Oswald Chambers Publications Association, Ltd., 1992, p. February 23

Burn the Bitter Roots

I was driving home with my mom one evening when I received a message. A coworker's spouse had to go the emergency department and she wondered if I would pick up her shift the following morning at the assisted living facility so she could rest up after her eventful evening in the hospital. I quickly messaged her back and agreed to work the shift, and told her that I hoped her husband felt better soon.

My mind was cloudy that next morning. Running behind, I rushed to get ready, putting on a pair of light blue scrubs, tennis shoes, and a light jacket. I ran out the front door and started the car, noticing how icy and dark it was. The 6am shift was not my favorite, but I knew it was important for me to be there to care for the residents and support my coworkers.

As I pulled out of the driveway, the street seemed even more slick than I had first thought. I traveled down a hilly road, glancing at the clock. I could generally make it there in 8 minutes, but the inconvenient weather was going to hold me back.

Suddenly, coming over a small hill, I saw a down tree completely blocking my lane. I gasped, slamming on my breaks. It was too late. A sheet of ice beneath my car prevented me from coming to a stop. The large tree and the front of my car met forcefully.

I started to pant. What happened? Was I alive?

My airbag had never deployed, so my chest went forward into the steering wheel. I was ok, but confused and shaken up. Noticing the smell of smoke, I got out of my car in a rush. Was my car about to go up in flames? I stood outside in the low temperatures, on the other side of the road from my car. Freezing rain was coming down and the wind whipped right through my insufficient jacket.

Lord, help.

I called both of my parents, unsure of what to do. Because of where I had crashed, if another driver wasn't watching, they could drive right into my car, causing a second collision, so I waited in the cold.

I dialed the number of the assisted living facility, explaining what had just occurred. "Well, can you get here soon?" I don't think that will be possible for a while.

My dad graciously came and picked me up. While insurance was being handled and the police were called, I sat in my dad's car, sinking back in the chair.

In that season of life, I had been working to get past some rough experiences I had gone through. My heart was racing as worrisome, frustrating thoughts came to mind about certain people I had known.

Would they actually care about the way they treated me if I had died today?

They would probably wish I had been hurt.

I bet they think I'm too immature to handle anything; a job, driving, early mornings....

It was more than the ramifications of an accident. The circumstances brought some unpleasant thoughts from deep in my soul to the surface. I felt discarded, ostracized, and put down by a group of people from my past. I hadn't seen them recently, but it was apparent that I had been festering unforgiveness toward them. I felt that they did not value my life.

Instead of being grateful for the Lord's protection and rejoicing over His faithfulness that morning, I was moody and bitter. I wished there was a way to peek into the lives of those who had been unkind to me and see if there was a ray of care about the fact that I could have been hurt much worse that day.

My car was towed away and I was dropped off to work. I struggled to even smile at my residents; the weight within my soul was great. How do you make the choice to forgive when you're so entangled in traumatic memories, flustered emotions, and aching pain?

Do you ever find yourself asking the same questions? How can we walk in forgiveness when our own souls are so broken?

Painful, all-important redemption

In the introduction to “Choosing Forgiveness,” Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth shares the compelling illustration of Charles Dickens’ classic character Miss Havisham--known for her bitter heart toward her fiance who abandoned her on their wedding day and ran away with another woman. There she sat in her living room, still adorned in the very wedding dress she had chosen for the forgotten day. As the lace slowly lost its color, Miss Havisham’s heart continued in the opposite direction, becoming sharper and more animated with ugly unforgiveness. Broken and sad--hardly able to look beyond herself and the hurt she had sustained---Miss Havisham admitted, “the mice have gnawed away at it, and sharper teeth than teeth of mice have gnawed at me.” (1) Bitter resentment was eating her from the inside out.

These words caused me to pause:

“Has the clock stopped in your life? Was there a moment when someone or something hurt you--and everything changed? Perhaps you can still remember the day, the time, the year, the scenery, the circumstances. Your hopes, dreams, and innocence felt the sharp sting of betrayal and disappointment. Ever since, the story of your life has been to recapture your loss and seek your revenge, either through outright action or the withholding of love and affection.”

She continues:

“Do you know full well what those gnawing teeth feel like? I want to say to you that you don’t have to live there. It’s time to pull back the drapes and move out of the darkness. To do so may seem risky--even impossible. The process may be painful. But there is life and health and a whole new world outside of the dark, musty walls of hurt and disillusionment behind which you have barricaded your heart. God wants to...set you free.” (2)

Like Miss Havisham, I found myself frozen in replays of ugly, heart-crushing memories; life occurrences I wished I could control and change, but could not. What my pain-stricken heart needed the morning of my accident was a fresh reminder about the reality of the forgiveness that had been shown to me and a resolve to walk in it, by His grace.

Do you know how much you cost Him?

As followers of Jesus, we're well acquainted with the fact that apart from the grace of God, we would be condemned forever. Our sin is so ugly and opposite the the beautiful holiness and purity of our perfect King. All the people of earth had no hope of restoration, dying in their sins; it would have been entirely just of our God to allow us to face the consequences of our rebellion against Him. Bring this truth close to heart; it would have been rightful for God to allow me to spend the rest of eternity separated from Him in hell. Yet He sent His only Son, the Perfect Lamb, because He is worthy of each life He has created for His glory.

What mercy.

"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23).

"We like sheep have gone astray; we have turned—every one—to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all" (Isaiah 53:6).

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace" (Ephesians 1:7).

The Most High passionately pursued our souls. In His great love, He fought for us, even when we had spat in His face.

The only reason I can say: "I will walk before the Lord in the land of the living" (Psalm 116:9) is because Jesus was "cut off out of the land of the living, stricken for the transgression of my people" (Isaiah 53:8b).

The greatest work of forgiveness in the history of the universe was accomplished by our God, willing to sacrifice His own Son's perfect life so that He could redeem us fully, if we would yield our hearts to Him. As 1 John says: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness" (vs.9).

Jesus is the only reason I do not have to face the wrath of God, which I deserve to have bestowed upon me. John continues: "My little children, I am writing these things to you so that you may not sin. But if anyone does sin, we have an advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the righteous. He is the propitiation for our sins, and not for ours only but also for the sins of the whole world" (2:1-2).

How redemption empowers us to forgive our offenders

I was hit right between the eyes with words from a woman I have often pictured as a loving mentor-like figure in my life:

“We never so fully experience the ocean of God’s love as when we forgive our enemies” (Corrie ten Boom, Tramp for the Lord). 

The very woman who was put through death camps, persecuted by the Nazi's, lost deeply loved family members, and had her very life as she had known it taken from her, shares out of her renowned child-like faith, “Here’s how you can know His love--forgive.”

God supplies grace for me to walk in forgiveness toward others even when I may not feel equipped for it emotionally. “Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart" (Corrie ten Boom).

His Word calls me to forgive those who have hurt me:

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Colossians 3:13).

"For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:14-15).

"And if [a brother] sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him" (Luke 17:4).

As I chose, by His grace, to forgive those who had hurt me, I began to feel immense freedom. It became clear that bitterness was a weight I carried on my shoulders; I had allowed my mind to be the breeding ground for frustration, unforgiveness, and continual replay of hurt-filled memories. When we confess our bitterness and unforgiveness before the Lord, it's amazing to see how He will cause our lives to be a display of His mercy to those around us.

Is there a memory in your life that fills you with dread and anger toward someone in your life? Are you holding on to unforgiveness in any capacity in your life? Enabled by His grace, are you walking in forgiveness toward those who have treated you unjustly?

So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed. // John 8:36

I encourage you to get away with Jesus and allow Him to expose your heart. Is your all on the altar? Is your greatest longing for Him to be lifted High?

If so, forgiveness will be simple. It may be painful and hard, but as we go about each day abiding in Christ, we can walk in freedom and strength.

He has given you everything you need for life and godliness. Including the grace to forgive fully.

Those who harmed me in my past left my soul feeling bankrupt, unloved, and cast aside; the beautiful thing is that as I pushed forward and chose forgiveness, I had a greater understanding of the cost of my own redemption--the great weight of the truth that Jesus has removed my sins from me as far as the east is from the west. And because He is enough, I can show the forgiveness of heaven to both unbelievers and believers around me. Displaying the pardon He has shown to me. I don't deserve it, and there is nothing I could ever do to repay Him for it; yet He lavishes His love on me.

--
Charles Dickens, Great Expectations (Oxford University Press), 82
Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth, Choosing Forgiveness (Moody Publishers 2008), 27

Dead Dreams but a Living Jesus

I made my way down the dorm building stairs; it was a weekday evening and Bible survey class was on the agenda for the evening. With my Bible and notebook in hand, I walked past the campus lake’s delightful deep blue haze, expectant to learn a lot and take many notes.

I took a seat next to a friend as our teacher expounded on the passage of the evening. I was around three weeks from completing the on-campus portion of the missions program and was mentally planning all I hoped to accomplish when I arrived home. Work, family life, and a million to-dos seemed to spin around in my mind; I knew much was ahead.

As the class wrapped up, I was approached by one of the school’s staff members. It was a conversation that would echo in my mind for months after I left.

“Knowing all this [ministry] stands for, [I need to tell you something].”

When the words had been spoken and our conversation wrapped up, I quickly approached the chapel door, with my heart racing in my chest. I felt like a thin piece of paper floating down to the ground; I deeply hoped no one would see or talk to me for the rest of the evening.

It was clear. I had not met the standard of the school and was not considered to be a very godly woman; my word choices in an attempt to encourage a staff member had not been ok. It was communicated to me that I was seen as a flatterer and not one who uplifts others, despite the fact that it had been my hope to point to the work Jesus had done in her life.

Later in the evening, I rushed into the dorm bathroom and sobbed. I felt like there was nothing left; strength seemed to flee and my heart felt as though it had been broken in a million pieces.

I hadn’t shared the hope with a single soul on the campus, but secretly, I wondered if one day I might work for this ministry. Maybe I would get to walk with other women through the valleys of their life and be able to point them to Jesus and how He would triumph gloriously in their existence. Maybe I would contribute to their renowned Christian women’s magazine. Maybe I would move nearby and go to college in the area, thousands of miles from my home in Michigan. So many hopes and dreams surrounded the little missions school.

Suddenly those dreams seemed far away and impossible. The hopes were dashed.

An ocean of tears seemed to flow as I thought through the heartrending evening. I was not their desired alum. I wasn’t someone they would want influencing other women. I wasn’t fitting the mold.

“Cassidy.” The tap on the shoulder came. It was a few weeks later, and the day had come to return home. It was 3am and I was down to my last half hour on the campus. Life was about to change. I tried not to think back on what had happened just a few weeks previously so I could end my last bit of time on campus without going “there.” It wasn’t my roomates or friends fault that I had messed up, so I reasoned that I needed to hold it in. Don’t burst out in tears. Don’t whine about how things ended so roughly. Just smile.

I got in the car and took a final glance at the campus. I was sad to be ending this season of life and to probably not see many of my classmates again, while simultaneously feeling that I maybe shouldn’t have come in the first place.

I eventually arrived home, got back to work, and the flow of regular life began once again.

Yet my heart seemed affected. I couldn’t just fly away from the things that had happened; like a broken record, my mind replayed the mistakes I made, what I should have done, and how everything could be so different if I had not said this, and done that.

Some deep dreams had died, but even then Jesus was at work.

Amidst personal failure, Jesus had not failed for one moment. He was ready and willing to take even one such as me--one who did not reach the bar--and heal me and give me new vision and hopes for the future. He reminded my soul of ways He had been burdening me for the vulnerable. He gave me new hope for ministering to the women around me. He stirred the desire to keep writing for my own blog, even if my feeble words would never make it around the world. It could reach one hurting soul who follows me on Facebook who might never even hear of the magazine publication I previously dreamed of contributing to.

Life was not over.

It seems like an obvious statement, but at that time in my life it was a new revelation. It was possible for deep hopes, the secret ones you only tell Jesus about, to die but then be used in the way He intended.

A grain of wheat must die and fall to the ground if it will bring forth its crop. I was seeing that truth play out in my personal life. When I freshly surrendered and laid my dreams down at the foot of His Cross, they could finally be used.

For the Broken Soul

To any friend who has stumbled upon this post amid personal pain and hurt, may I remind you that our God is gracious and He loves to meet us where we are at. His love has never hinged on what you can offer Him (Eph. 2:8, Rom. 3:23), so when we feel empty and don’t think we bring anything of value to the table, it’s great to remember that it’s all about Jesus and His sufficiency (Col. 1:18). It isn’t about all the times I have failed, all the ways I don’t measure up, or all the things I cannot seem to do well. It’s about Him. We know that He so graciously works even the worst of the worst together for good for those who love Him (Rom. 8:28).

If you are in Christ, then absolutely nothing in all creation can separate you from His love (Rom. 8:35-39)! Your God loves you and desires you; He does not quit pursuing our souls when we mess up. He provides grace for us in the exact measure we need it. When we feel like nothing, Jesus remains everything. He lovingly holds us in the hollow of His hands, and attentively watches over us.

If your dreams have died at a measure or even entirely, may I remind you, sweet friend, that your God has not! When our future is confusing and we don’t know what’s next, He always does. Place your soul’s confidence in the One who has taken your place and stood in the gap for your soul. He values you so much that He shed His very life’s blood to set you free and make you His own.

“By this we know love, that He laid down His life for us” (1 John 3:16a).

The utmost display of love was made to us; ultimately to place every eye upon Jesus, who is worthy of all the glory. Jesus pursues His bride and calls us ever deeper in knowing Him, even though we are imperfect and unworthy; yet He loves us entirely and draws us closer to Himself.

In this broken world, sadness and mistakes are bound to happen; but our hope does not die then. Hope is not a mere feeling or experience, but a Person named Jesus. Keep your eyes on your capital h Hope, who never fails, never slumbers, and always cares for you.

When our hearts feel dead for the weight of failure and pain, what freedom there is in running to the Saviour who has never failed us and ever lives and intercedes for us (He. 7:23-28).

As Corrie ten Boom has said, “If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest.”

Lift up your heart to the One who knows your every weakness and simultaneously loves you more than you could ever comprehend. Our past, our brokenness, and our lack do not intimidate our God. He delights to redeem from the dust; no matter how much you may feel that you fall short, you are not beyond the reaches of His perfect grace.

Run to Him with expectancy that He longs for you to come away with Him.

In Isaiah, there is a beautiful passage that gives us a glimpse into the work of redemption God was working in Israel, as He shared with them through the prophet Isaiah:

“Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for you are my servant; I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me. I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like mist; return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing, O heavens, for the LORD has done it; shout, O depths of the earth; break forth into singing, O mountains, O forest, and every tree in it! For the LORD has redeemed Jacob, and will be glorified in Israel” (Is. 44:21-23).

In the verses leading up to this passage, the Lord exposes the folly of idolatry. Would they have dead, meaningless idols or the Living God?

“Do not tremble; do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim my purposes for you long ago? You are my witnesses--is there any other God? No! There is no other Rock--not one!" (Is. 44:8).

Even so we must offer up our dreams, plans, and desires to the God who knows all things. Even the desire for good things can become an idol if we do not relinquish our grip in surrender to our Sovereign King who knows all things and will never fail to lead us.

As Lilias Trotter has so eloquently put it:

"The fair, new petals must fall and for no visible reason; no one seems enriched by the stripping. And the first step into the realm of giving is a like surrender. Not man-ward but God-ward; an utter yielding of our best. So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning. That is not worthy of the name, for no polluted thing can be offered.”

As we place our everything at His feet, with the prayer of the Psalmist on our lips: “Not to us, O Lord, not to us, but to your name give glory, for the sake of your steadfast love and your faithfulness!” (Ps. 115:1), our hearts find meaning and healing.

HE is the reason we exist. Because He is worthy, and because He loves us. When our lives are all about Him and are utterly dependent upon His grace, life changes. No longer is it a constant cycle of meaningless and suffering, but of knowing Jesus and experiencing His sufficiency, amidst our great lack. We have been pursued and redeemed by the one who lacks absolutely nothing!

Place your soul’s confidence in the One for whom nothing is too hard. He will triumph wondrously in your life, even amid brokenness, as you keep Him first. It may not appear that way to every on-looker, but what matters is having our focus on Him.

When our dreams seem dead, our God is alive. He will never fail, and He will always be glorified; therefore I have confidence that the most heartrending things I may ever face can and will be used to magnify Him more fully. Because of His grace, I am free in Christ. He is my Healer and He is my Provider; never will I lack what is needful.

May our hearts trust Him in the deepest place, no matter what tomorrow may bring.

Only One Life || My High School Grad Speech

It's hard to believe that it has been over a year since I graduated high school! So much has occurred since then; Jesus has truly been so faithful to hold me fast through everything that these past few years have included. He truly is our Strength and Shield; ever and always watching over us. 

Today we are sharing the speech I gave at my high school graduation. It was an immense honor to be able to share with my class; each of us were heading in different directions, but it was the plea of my heart to every single one of them to hold fast to Jesus, regardless of the pressures around us.

As a disclaimer, I wrote this presentation before I understood hermeneutics..... And thus I failed to give context for the Scripture passage I quoted, or the condition of the promise. So, please, as usual, don't take my word for it, but be a Beren and try every feeble word of mine to THE Word. :)
--

“Only one life, t’will soon be past; only what’s done for Christ will last. And when I’m dying, how happy I’ll be, if the lamp of my life was burned out for Thee.”

These words were spoken by a spectacular missionary to China, named C.T. Studd, in the 1800s, but every letter of it is applicable to us today. We are graduating. Wow, It’s starting to set in that it’s for real now, isn’t it?! 

It’s kind of like we’ve all been taking a nice walk together for the past twelve years or so, and now we’ve landed in the airport, all about to take off to different destinations. Some of us will soon be found serving kids in developing countries, others, writing notes on Calculus 2 (it won’t be me!); some of us will adventure into our own apartments, while others will take true delight in sharing a dorm with four new friends. Some of us will travel far away and cross oceans, and some of us will enjoy the cute town of Rockford longer.

But wherever we go, whatever may change, there is one thing that does not change. Or I should say, there is one Person who will not. "I the LORD do not change” (Malachi 3:6a). Most of us are about to be thrust into an environment that completely denies our Jesus. I have a friend who came from a spectacular Christian family, and had a great, bright future when he graduated from high school, going forth as a believer into an extremely liberal college. Sadly, after several years of school, this guy has decided his professors have greater credibility than our Maker. He has decided that our God isn’t as “trendy” as his twenty-something friends. I am shocked each time I see him, and I am also confronted with a question:

Will I be there in a few years?

Have you thought about this, grads? Have you watched others walk away from the foot of the Cross, wondering if you can truly stand, going against the current?

I have news for you: if you walk out of this room today in your own strength, you will definitely be taken under in the strong flow of our culture. You can’t do this. Simple as that.

But if you know you cannot do this alone, if you have come to grips with the fact that only Jesus has enough strength to carry you through, then, with a sense of your great need for your Savior, will you be able to stand. Not because you’re strong. Not because you were home schooled. Not because you grew up in a Christian family. Not because you go to church on Sunday. We can each leave this room victorious over the powers of the enemy because of Jesus! He never fails us; whenever we feel unable, it’s a great reminder that we need Him. He is always able; He is never limited by our circumstances.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the Lord, who has compassion on you… In righteousness you will be established: Tyranny will be far from you; you will have nothing to fear. Terror will be far removed; it will not come near you. If anyone does attack you, it will not be my doing; whoever attacks you will surrender to you… No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me’” (Isaiah 54:10,14-15,17).

We only have one life. Each of us. If you live to age 72, then ¼ of your life is already history. It’s already in the books.

“Lord, stamp eternity on my eyeballs!” 

Jonathan Edwards cried out. It’s a worthy cry for us as well!

When I’m dying, how happy I’ll be, if the lamp of my life was burned out for Thee, Lord. May today be a launch pad for all of us; it’s time to stand up, in His great strength, and go forward. There’s a dying world who needs Jesus out there. Let’s go, friends!

Gaining Lasting Security

It was a normal Wednesday afternoon. I was in the kitchen, cleaning up after the kids I nanny (who had just gone down for nap), when I suddenly froze and stared at the floor. It wasn’t the crushed chips and sandwich crusts that caught my attention, but a painful memory. It was as if I were reliving the moment, my mind flashed a past situation before me. On a warm Windsor day, I was looking into the eyes of a teacher whose expectations I had not met. No words had been used as I walked by the individual, but volumes were spoken to my heart. You knew better. What were you thinking? You have not met the standard of this school. I don’t care for you. Maybe you shouldn’t have come here. Would this teacher actually have said these things to me if the moment had allowed? I do not know. As my eyes glazed over the brown hardwood floors, I realized that I was allowing this past circumstance to shape me. I was letting a memory paralyze me.
I remembered the temperature of the room. How I felt. The way I wanted to disappear. Yet none of that helped me to move forward. I came to the realization that I could either continually let this memory steal all my confidence and peace whenever it came up, or I could place it in Jesus’ hands and move on. What are we to do when those around us reject us and we feel out of place? Should we cave to insecurity and give others control over our sense of worth? Praise Jesus that we never have to live like that since we are in Christ. And if we have been living in that way, He is fully able to help us to move on and place our confidence in Himself alone.

3 Thoughts on Gaining Lasting Security 

Evaluate your perspective

How do you see your circumstances? Do you believe they have the power to dictate the response of your soul? If I look at life this way, I am seeing everything out of the lens of a victim. Even if the worst has come to worst, never forget that the work Jesus accomplished at the cross on your behalf cannot ever be undone! He has been entirely Victorious over the enemy; He has set you free. And we are held in the hollow of the hands of this Victor. You are being carried at this very moment in victory! Hurt cannot undo redemption. Problems cannot undo redemption. Others disliking us cannot undo redemption. Cling to the Truth that absolutely nothing can separate us from the love of God. It’s what His Word tells us!

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.' No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:31-39).


Don’t allow the opinions of others to make or break you

Security does not mean that everyone thinks well of us and likes us. It is very well possible that the teacher I mentioned above actually does feel that way about me, but, you know what? Others’ dislike or harshness can never change the reality of our position in Christ. The work Jesus accomplished on my behalf will never be changed by the opinions of those around me. When I sidewalk counsel, there is a pro-choice lady who I try to reach out to who regularly tells me, “I do not like you!!” Does that mean I should quit counseling and go home? Nope. Wherever Jesus has led us, we need to remember that we answer to Him for what we are doing. I will not answer to that pro-choice lady or to that missions school teacher but to Jesus. (Of course we must still respect authority, but my teacher does not have authority to change my sense of security because my security is in Jesus. I do not have to be shaken regardless of what is said because I am founded on the Rock whom no storm may ever confound).


Set your mind on the Sufficient One

Remember that life is too great a burden to carry yourself. You cannot do this alone (John 15:5). You NEED Jesus in order to thrive in the spot in which He has placed you. In our culture, the message of self-sufficiency is continually preached. “You are stronger that you think.” “You don’t need others! You’re a strong, independent woman.” But the Word of God shows us that humanity is insufficient. We could not save ourselves—we did not have what we needed to be rescued—only Jesus was strong enough to conquer sin, death and hell. Jesus, our Victor, lives in us and He is the One who has promised that His grace is sufficient for us. Preach to your soul the reality of His ability and strength in our weakness. He goes with us through every circumstance of the day. As we continue on, we will experience difficulty. The enemy loves to try to shake us up, but what’s amazing is that our Jesus does not only walk with us through the beautiful open fields of life, but also the wilderness. In seasons where we feel a regular propensity to cave to insecurity, may we then, in a new way, regularly experience His grace, which brings us to victory!
My security is not found in everyone enjoying my presence or in perfected circumstances, but solely in my Redeemer. We are free in Christ, and we may experience this liberating reality of victory most when challenges arise. The next time insecurity comes knocking, lift your soul’s vision to Jesus. And, in the words of a lovely old hymn, the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace. [1]

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1. Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus by Helen Howarth Lemmel

Agents of Change: How Every Person Impacts the World

We live in a world today with celebrities, talk show hosts, well known news anchors, sports professionals, and touring artists; people who get up on stages and say things that others think are oh-so-profound because of their status: famous in the eyes of the world. They sell millions of books, have adoring fans that would rush up to them in the grocery store; they're deemed a voice of our generation. If Carrie Underwood buys that brand of pants, you better have them too!

All this in our culture seems to leave a sort of residue; a type of thinking that leads us to believe that only certain people change this world. If you're famous. If you're admired by many and have a million followers on Instagram. If you have loads of money. If you get a trillion views on your website.

We think these are the people who change things.

Even as Christians, I've heard it in many conversations. We think only the Christians who have the stage, the followers, the blog everyone wants to contribute to, the trendy books, and the must-hear podcasts...

"They're making a difference."

And they are, but what we often don't see is the fact that every single person who has ever lived has changed the world.

What do you mean by that, Cassidy?

James, who was aborted, changed this world. He never spoke to anyone with his voice, and his parents didn't even bother to name him, but his life touched other lives. His mom physically held him in her womb, and she chose to use her story of choosing abortion as an example for Planned Parenthood on how great abortion is. But this little boy's voice could not be silenced by the instruments of death.

James changed this world.

People have been challenged by his story. Every life is made in the image of God and is worth protecting. He didn't ever stand on a stage and have a profound speech recorded by all the news sources, but his twenty-one short weeks of existence impacted others. My life is not the same because of this sweet boy.

Perpetua was born into a wealthy family. She was expected to do great things and be of exemplary influence, but at the end of her life, her family could only shake their heads. "Why would she waste her life?" they wondered. Perpetua died a martyr around the young age of 22. According to those who had previously known her, she had just thrown her life away. Obviously, she must not have been very influential if the Roman government would just throw her to the beasts like that. Who would choose the death of a martyr with faith in Jesus, instead of burning just a pinch of incense to the emperor and living a wealthy life?

Perpetua did. And she changed the world for Jesus more powerfully than all her critics.

A young factory employee living in a poor family didn't exactly live a life that would be the next cover story for Time Magazine, but she was surrendered to Jesus. Before she knew it, she was on a ship, with a one-way ticket to Calabar, Africa. Soon, she could be found living among a fierce group of tribal people. She would rush through the dangerous jungle after a group of men and one woman--they were about to burry newborn twins alive--because the animistic views of these tribal people led them to believe that one twin in every multiple pregnancy was raised by the devil.

Mary Slessor, with her short stature and vibrant red hair, didn't look very intimidating. But she was the only advocate for these children. She rescued countless babies and brought the Gospel to some out-in-the-bush Africans.

Mary changed the world.

His mother died while he was young. His life he described to be a struggle. He had strong giftings in leadership and communication, and was bold to the core. This man came to the conclusion that only some people should be able to live in the world: Aryans. Eventually, he was given a position of power and influence and used it to promote his horrible agenda. 

Hitler was responsible for the death of millions of people (six million of whom were Jews). In a horrifying way, Hitler changed the world. The lives of all the people who died were obviously affected, not to mention their families, friends, and the rest of the world.


Everyone changes the world--everyone influences and impacts the people around them--everyone makes a difference.

The question is not: "Will we change the world?" but "how will we change the world?"

Today, your life is changing the world. What is changed by your existence? Will I or will you be one more passive human being, just wavering through life, letting the world shape our hearts and minds and telling us how to live? Or will we be some of the few who pursue Jesus with all our heart, soul, mind and strength?

Will we be the ones who push the boundary of expectation?

(Today’s general expectation is that you will do nothing more than the average).

You and I may never make history books, but if you are in Christ, then your name is in the Lamb's Book of Life. How much more world altering it is to be one who refuses to compromised by the pressures of this world, and to find delight only in gazing into the face of Jesus. If we are pursuing His agenda, things will be changed for His glory.

Even if He has called you to something that seems small, or if you're in an "in-between" season of life, He can be glorified, magnified, and made known through your existence.

We will both change the world today--we'll impact others’ lives and leave a fragrance. Will the impact be for His Kingdom? Will it be the fragrance of Christ?

How will your life change the world today? Let's push forward, being ambassadors of Christ with every step we take; in the gas station, at church, on a walk, through the long hours at work. These normal places our daily lives take us are where world-altering so often happens. Right in the home, exposing the beauty of the Gospel in an up close and personal way.

Everywhere we go.

Are we the ones who are so consumed with Jesus Christ--so in love with the Lover of our souls--that the world just cannot stay as it is? Is your life radically surrendered to Him? If so, His very life dwells in you. Jesus is the one who changes this world and brings about His eternal purpose of life. Vessels unto honor, let us not forget the impact our lives are making--and the huge responsibility that comes with--we represent the King of kings.

I don't want to change the world passively. I want my life to be a song of ardent worship to Jesus; with eyes fixed on Him and His ability. This world will be changed all the more for Jesus Christ, if we are given up fully for Him.

When You Just Don't Feel Like One Of Those Set Apart Girls

I sat in missions class, with my ankles crossed tightly. I was tense. With my journal out on my lap and a brightly colored pen in hand, I took extensive notes on reaching people of different backgrounds with the Gospel. As I sat in the beautiful chapel that warm summer day, one thought seemed to distract me again and again.

“You know you’re really not one of those set apart girls.”

I wanted to make some mental argument against the fact, but interactions with other ladies who seemed to be living poured-out lives made me wonder if there was something unspoken that disqualified me from being “one of them.” 

I was well aware that I had not by any means arrived to some perfected level in my walk with Jesus, but was there some expectation one had to meet, other than just being in Christ, to be considered a woman intentionally set apart for the King of kings? My experiences the previous few weeks made me wonder. I had somehow come to the conclusion that the term “set apart girl” must only apply to an elite group of Christian women who live astoundingly impressive lives. 

As days had gone by at school, I had taken note that there were certain ladies who avoided me. Something I was doing seemed to create discomfort among some people; just what it was had become a mystery to me. 

I’m too talkative. No, I need to try harder to start conversations they’ll enjoy. It’s probably my non-verbals. Don’t smile too much, but don’t frown. Stop being so energetic. Don’t speak encouragement too much, or it will be translated as flattery. Wear this. Get up at such-and-such a time each morning. Don’t be legalistic. Don’t lack discipline. You’re too pushy. Let them start the conversation. Be willing to help. Be confident. Not like that! Don’t hide, but don’t act like you have it all in the bag. 

I was trying to process everything; how do I best honor those around me? I felt extremely discouraged. It seemed like I hit a wall whenever I tried to live normally. “Maybe I just don’t fit the mold.” I would think to myself.

I’ve always been one to take too careful note of how people react. I often subconsciously study facial expressions and tones of voice. What did they truly mean by that?

According to my, probably flawed, observations, I was getting on a particular teacher’s nerves. Four ladies in leadership were made to feel less than comfortable, for whatever reason, around me. Some of my classmates looked down on me.

After a conversation with a friend I had looked up to, it had become apparent that I wasn’t quite reaching the bar. In an attempt to encourage this friend, I had caused discomfort and embarrassment. I was told that I was drawing attention to the individual instead of Jesus.

Oh, a set apart girl wouldn’t do that…. 

I looked out the chapel windows and thought, “Well, I’ll be out of their hair in just a few weeks.” It seemed like the only solution. Maybe I just needed another fresh start, since I had apparently blown this opportunity to live to the fullest.

The two months that followed were two of the darkest I have ever faced in my life. I thought through everything again and again. But it all seemed to say the same thing to my heart: you failed. 

My perspective was that I was too young, too loud, too strong in personality, too rough around the edges, too childish, and too broken for the title of “Set Apart Girl.” I had a past full of heartbreak, and it appeared that I wasn’t moving past it quickly enough. Each time I thought I was “sweeping up the broken pieces” I seemed to bump into someone else, someone more set-apart-girl-esque, and spill them all over again. 

Maybe set apart girls just don’t make these kinds of mistakes.

I felt much shame. Could I still call Amy Carmichael a hero of mine if I was so far off from her place in the endless pursuit of Jesus? Maybe I should stop saying Lillias Trotter is someone I aspire to being like since I am obviously failing at Titus 2 living. Perpetua was a much more impressive eighteen-year-old than I’ve ever been…

True Set-Apart Living

Even in the darkness of feeling unlovely and entirely wrong in nearly every facet, Jesus was present and at work in my heart. Where I had decided things were too broken in my life, after taking the nonverbal that I needed to get things together, I had given up at some level. I wouldn’t have been very likely to bring it up, but I was allowing my identity to be shaped by others’ perspective on my life. If someone I looked up to found issue with something I was doing, I immediately felt I was beyond grace. 

But it wasn’t true.

In the following months, Jesus was gently uncovering my issues and healing them. I had come to the conclusion in my heart and mind that if those in the “Set Apart Girl” ministry did not approve of me, then there was no way I was actually being shaped into a Christ-centered woman. (By the way, the ladies on the SAgirl team were kind to me!)

Jesus was exposing, however, that the only way to live a life that’s pleasing to Him was to get my eyes off of what everyone around me thought, and place my eyes on Him, and believe what He says about me. Am I living for the approval and applause of others, or do I only look to Jesus for security? 

As one writer has said, 

“I live before an audience of One. Before others I have nothing to gain, nothing to prove, and nothing to lose” (Henry Martyn). 

To truly live in a set-apart way means to live fully given to Jesus. It’s to be so taken with your heavenly Prince that all else loses its luster in comparison. I wouldn’t have had to feel insecure for even a moment if I had only seen my situation out of the lens of His Word. 

They don’t approve of me? When it comes down to it, in view of eternity, that doesn’t matter very much. The psalmist in Psalm 119 had this priority: “Thou art my portion, O Lord” (vs. 57). It’s not other Christians’ opinions of us that secure us before the Father; it’s only Jesus (Romans 5:1, 6-11, Ephesians 2:1-10). We’re not saved by someone we look up to telling us that we’re doing great or vice versa. My strength and security today comes only from the One who rescued my soul. He is the one who will keep me and sanctify me, therefore I have nothing to fear. He will not forsake me; He has begun a work within me, and our Jesus never forsakes or forgets the work of his hands.

I’m making someone feel uncomfortable? What if instead of panicking that I’ve ruined my relationship with that friend, I took the position of a servant, and sought out how I could better care for them? In the second chapter of Philippians, Paul exhorted the church at Philippi to serve others the way Jesus did:

 “Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (2:5-8).

Instead of hopelessly assuming the friendship is over, what if I was willing to pour out for this individual? Would I be willing to give them space if they need it, or help them out if they ask? 

Being a set apart woman is not about having it all together. It’s not about doing every single thing perfectly, never making a mistake, not having a personality, having every book of the Bible memorized, using fancier words, cooking like Martha Stewart, always being out of your bed by three o’clock in the morning, or being a carbon copy of an impressive Christian you know. 

It’s legalism to assume that we are somehow earning greater favor in Jesus’ eyes by having all our i’s dotted and t’s crossed. Jesus would not have had to die if we could gain acceptance on our own before God. I am safe and unshaken in my daily life, not because Cassidy is just looking oh-so-spiritual this morning, but because Jesus has taken my place. He is unchanging. No matter what happens to me, and no matter how many areas of my life still need greater sanctification, I will never ever, ever be abandoned. 

My identity is not in my mistakes and mishaps.

My identity is in Christ alone.

Since I am in Christ, I know that He has set me apart for Himself (Psalm 4:3). I did not receive this title of set apart by saving up my behavioral allowance; it is a gift to me from Jesus. He lived the set-apart life, and because my position is in Him, I am robed in His righteousness (Isaiah 61:10). I have grace, the power to live out the life He has called me to, only through Him. It’s not in my own pockets. 

If you, as a woman, believe in Jesus Christ as your Savior, then you are a set-apart girl. All because of Jesus (and not because of you). 

“Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me. He has saved me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling. And so I walk in the Lord’s presence as I live here on earth!” (Psalm 116:7-9).

Streamside Lessons

It was a beautiful fall evening. All four miles around the lake, vibrant shades of coral, red, pink, green, and brown caught my eye. It was all so breathtaking; the ground was covered with a layer of fallen leaves, each one declaring the majesty of their Maker. As I walked, I took notice of a stream. As first glance, between the strong movement of the large amount of water in a small space, it would have seemed as though someone was not keeping up their landscaping, but then I realized something.

I want my life to look just like that stream.

Such an abundance of life that it doesn’t fit in a small space. It can’t help but touch beyond the boundary of expectation, because it’s just so full. And floweth fuller every day… The dry ground, though it appears the same, a touch reveals it has been affected. The hard summer-scorched earth is muddy, and is being revived with every flow of the body of water. The narrow bridge will also be taken under too, if the stream flows over any more.

Can I say in truth that I am satisfied to overflowing in Jesus?

I want my life to be one that is so full of His living water that I can’t help but splash it on my neighbor. What if even the passer-by had to notice His fragrance from the words I had spoken, even if it was just about the happenings of the day? When needy people try to push buttons, imagine the impact one overflowing with the King of kings; Jesus is sufficient for even the most rude, insulting people.

He has the right words for the woman at the nursing home with the frustrated remarks, whom I was assigned to many a morning. He has the the word in season for the weary soul. Our Jesus gifts the garments of praise for the spirit of heaviness. For the liberal woman, deemed by some as unreachable, as she advocates for abortion outside the Downtown clinic; He wants to speak words of hope and healing even to this one.

Am I content to sit here, comfortably in Christ while a world around me dies and passes into an eternity separated from their only Hope? I hope not. Just as the stream continued to fill beyond the brim, so He wants my soul to be. Discontented to be complacent. Unwilling that the dry ground be unwatered only to wither up and die. Defiant against the human tendency to abide at-ease in my personal bubble.

No, He is too worthy.

Today. That woman who pulled out in front of me too abruptly on the road. She is loved by the Lord of lords; how much am I loving her? Because, oh Cassidy, if you are in Christ, then all the grace necessary to treat her with kindness is available to you. It’s available to those who recognize that they’re not enough, and depend fully on the only One who could ever be enough. When memories of mistreatment from the past surface in my mind, whom is this about? Is it all about me and how I felt, or is it all about a Savior who is entirely sufficient in my greatest moments of trial, heartbreak, and sorrow?

Don’t be a puddle! Be a stream, turning into a lake, that can’t help but outdo the ocean simply because Jesus is limitless. He hasn’t drawn the line in that relationship with the awkward older lady at the grocery store. Thus, if the vessel will surrender and obey, Living Water will be poured over her--she will be given an impression of who Jesus is, even as I set the produce on the checkout counter. Is Jesus impatient, snappy, not oh-so-present, and drifting off, thinking of other things? Or is He the one who serves, forgetting Himself and saving the sinner?

He wants to grow this Water in my heart; I haven’t exhausted His Word, nor His ability to reach those deemed impossible. It all starts with Him. And it all starts with today. Let His perspective infect and correct your tinted view of others.

How they are loved, desired, and wanted by Him.

Yet somehow I sometimes allow myself to get by with a quick little prayer of, “Well, if it’s your will for that person to come to know you as their personal Savior, then I ask that they would.”

If?

My eyes do not capture His grand vision for redemption if I am willing to be tossed about as a wave of the sea. “It’s not good timing to share the Gospel. They’re busy”, “I am tired. Plus I am the wrong person to share Jesus with them; this patient doesn’t even like me and keeps complaining about everything I do!”, “This woman needs me to talk with her about her options as a teen mom, not about Him. If I don’t share the right resources with her, she could end up walking into the clinic and having an abortion.”

Do I live on my justifications or excuses, or am I so excited about Jesus that I can’t help but share Him with every person before me. If I’m as in love with Him as I keep saying, then there ought to be a different response to sharing Him. What if I couldn’t help it but show them Him--in the way I took care of the dog this morning, with handling well the rough situations that come in working in healthcare, in the circumstances of life that would translate despair to most people--am I showing the sufficiency of my Living Waters (Jesus)?

I don’t want to be a dead sea. Ever receiving His fullness, yet passively overlooking the opportunity to pour out.

Give up your raindrop of refreshment, and watch your Jesus turn it to a puddle as you give. See Him take your puddle and splash it all over those who have always bothered you, in the most refreshing rain they have experienced, as your small spot of Water takes up more ground, morphing into a stream. The lake isn’t far. His ocean of love knocks. Are you willing to give it up? Will I say goodbye to what I deem my comfort so that, in His worthiness, the Prince of peace might reign in more hearts?

On the last day, the climax of the festival, Jesus stood and shouted to the crowds, “Anyone who is thirsty may come to me! Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from His heart.’” (When He said “living water,” He was speaking of the Spirit, who would be given to everyone believing in Him….) // John 7:37-39

Embracing True Rest

It was a crazy morning; my alarm clock was going off and it was time to be up and start the day. My mind glazed over the homework I had been finishing late into the night; I had to remember all of the facts I had memorized for my infection control test: “Ringworm, a fungal organism…” I had finally been able to get to sleep at 2am, and started to wonder if I should really get up after only two and a half hours of quiet. I knew I could still make the bus if I went to back to sleep for just one more hour. But I felt convicted; simply going back to sleep was not the kind of rest I most needed. I needed to rest in Jesus; in His Word and in prayer.

So I hopped out of bed, and got into His word, even though I was exhausted.

Second Chronicles 14:7c says “Because we have sought the Lord our God… He hath given us rest.” As a high school student, I have been told numerous times that teens need a large amount of rest; some sources suggest at least 12 hours of it daily. And I definitely agree, if we’re talking about resting in Jesus. Sleeping on the other hand, although important, shouldn’t be our very first priority. More often than not, people my age ditch their time with Jesus in the morning for “just a little more” sleep.

Taking a look at the original language of the verse above shows us some important things about seeking God and resting in Him. The Hebrew word for sought is “darash,” it’s a verb defined as:

- Ask
- Call
- Consult
- Inquire
- Resort
- Search
- Seek after
- Searched carefully
- Study
- Worship [1]

As followers of Jesus Christ, we need to be people who pursue our Jesus with all our heart, soul, mind and strength! I want to be a woman who asks of the Lord, calls on Him, consults with Him, resorts to Him, searches for Him, seeks after Him, studies Him, and ardently worships Him! He must be our very first priority, always.



And when we examine rest in 2 Chronicles 14:7, we find the Hebrew word “nuach.” This verb is defined as:

- Calm
- Come to rest
- Camped
- Enter into rest
- Find rest
- Free
- Give comfort
- Satisfy
- Wait quietly [2]

True peace is found in complete, abandoned surrender to Jesus Christ. We enter into rest when we seek Jesus; our emotions may not always follow, but true rest is not dependent upon our feelings. It’s dependent on Jesus - who never, ever changes. As we obey Him, we can truly find rest; laying distractions aside frees us to bask in the comfort He gives. A favorite song of mine says: “Who can satisfy my soul like You? Who on earth could comfort me and love me like You do? Who could ever be more faithful, true?” [3] Even in times of great stress and turmoil, He remains unmoved; He continues to be our place of perfect, unwavering safety. As it says in Psalm 18:2: “The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”



Taking a moment this lovely Sunday afternoon to stand in awe of Jesus. He has always been faithful to give me rest; I just need to calm my heart before Him and listen to His still voice. God is our maker; who could know our needs better than Him? And how incredible is it that He can satisfy every single one of them in and of Himself?! Set your gaze on Him, and seek His face always.

“I think of the love of God as a great river, pouring through us even as the waters pour through our ravine at floodtime. Nothing can keep this love from pouring through us, except of course our own blocking of the river. Do you sometimes feel that you have got to the end of your love for someone who refuses and repulses you? Such a thought is folly, for one cannot come to the end of what one has not got. We have no store of love at all. We are not jugs, we are riverbeds” (Amy Carmichael).

--
1. Hebrew “Darash” http://biblehub.com/hebrew/1875.htm
2. Hebrew “Nuach” http://biblehub.com/hebrew/5117.htm
* Both Hebrew words found using the NASB Lexicon: http://biblehub.com/lexicon/2_chronicles/14-7.htm
3. Who Can Satisfy My Soul by Dennis Jernigan