Reflections on Twenty-Five: The God Who Always Sees Us Through

“Behold, God is my Helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life” (Psalm 54:4).

365 days have passed by once again, and a new year of life is beginning! In typical Let My Life Be a Light fashion, let's reflect on some of the ways God kindly, powerfully, and sometimes painfully worked in my life over the course of the previous year.

As you may recall, if you read last year's reflections, in July 2024, I started an unexpected transition out of a job I thought I would have for much longer. I found myself frequently praying for clarity, direction, and the will to keep fighting for the preborn — even if that wasn't my full-time paid job anymore. I was feeling some sort of burnout inside my heart and soul towards the pro-life cause, but I knew that the stakes were still so high for the babies — more than 3,000 are killed daily. And thus, I was striving to strike the right balance between pursuing rest after a season of being almost constantly overworked and pushing myself to keep up the advocacy that was so close to my heart. 

I knew the only way I could continue pro-life work in such a weary state was if God Himself carried me. I grabbed a pen and wrote down a verse, "My soul clings to you; your right hand upholds me" (Psalm 63:8). It was during that same week that God threw the door open to a form of activism I have always found invigorating — a protest against Planned Parenthood. This one took place near the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, IL. I joined my friend, pro-life atheist Terrisa Bukovinac, to protest Planned Parenthood's presence at the convention where they were dispensing abortion pills. We were able to speak up for moms and babies alike as women entered into Planned Parenthood's creepy abortion van. We offered alternatives to abortion and encouraged the abortion workers to leave the industry of death behind. Experiencing the protest brought joy and a bit of grief — it was a reminder that I did less of this form of work than before. I poured out my prayer into a journal, "Help me to let go and trust in the midst of my season — I think I miss a lot of things about doing pro-life work full-time" (08.22.24). But I also knew it would never again be the right fit for me to work in that same environment I left in July.

The following month, I found myself once again deeply impacted by abortion. “Dear Lord Jesus, right now it is just past midnight…barely Friday. I couldn’t sleep, so I grabbed my phone and opened Twitter. It was then that I found out that pro-life progressive and activist [name redacted] aborted her own son or daughter and has become pro-abortion. Lord Jesus, my heart just breaks at the thought…I am so sad this little baby was killed. A beautiful child was violently murdered...I wish I could have protected that baby. ‘They cried out to the Lord in their trouble and He delivered them from their distress’ (Psalm 107:28). Jesus, the unborn are crying out to you. Please deliver every one of them from their distress. Please deliver [the child’s mother] from the kingdom of darkness and bring her into your kingdom of light….Please bless, and in the right time, comfort the pro-life activists who sacrificed so much to try to save her baby. Help them as they grieve this profound loss…I think of the story of Toni McFadden and how she had an abortion when she was young. God, you rescued and saved and transformed her after that. Please rescue and save and transform the life of a post-abortive woman once again…Show us your power and save [woman’s name]’s soul for all eternity" (09.13.24).

Pro-Life Activist Has An Abortion

The intentional decapitation of a baby who came to exist in the womb of a pro-life mother was truly shocking and devastating. One moment, the child's mother was pro-life and attending regular anti-abortion protests — the next thing we knew, she was not only pro-choice, but had made her own appointment to have her child's life taken away by Planned Parenthood. Some of my friends became aware of the woman's abortion-mindedness before she went through with it; I honor them for their willingness to reach out to her and offer her every form of support they could. Their advocacy was not in vain — the preborn baby had a right to our utmost defense. May God eternally bless those who saw this little one as worth fighting for — they faced contempt from the baby's mother by offering abortion alternatives. Even now that the poor, precious child has been violently taken from the world far too soon, I believe strongly in God's ability to reach and redeem any and every post-abortive woman. 

Will you join me in praying for this woman to be reached with the Gospel? Pray with me for her healing — mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically — from the procedure known to not only kill preborn humans, but to also leave lasting harm on the mother. Thousands of women have shared through the organization Silent No More Awareness about the impact of their abortion. A notable feature of post-abortion mindsets is that in some pro-choice mothers, they may feel initial relief, but tend to experience mental, attachment, relational, and in some cases, physical struggles in the later aftermath. In part due to fast-paced American culture, some women are able to push the memory of their abortion out of their conscious memory during their working years. It may not be until life slows down and there is more time to reflect — in retirement, for example — that some women finally realize the abortion they said did not bother them had actually left significant wounds they were medicating with busyness, overworking, or other coping strategies. 

A Billion Abortions

All this to say, abortion creates generational harm. Every person in the wake of abortion is damaged. Including those of us who are not biologically related to these babies, but share the culture, society, and world these little ones were meant to be a part of. We have missed out on their beautiful humanity. The globe is struck with a grief it delusionally denies is present. Experts have attempted to make an educated guess on the total number of abortions around the globe; their estimates are that between the years 1921 and 2015, 1,000,000,000 abortions have taken place. A billion babies have been senselessly killed, and their blood cries out from the ground demanding justice. May God deliver us from the dark age of legal abortion, and may every baby be protected from violence in the womb.

Dating and the Uncertainty It Brings

Moving back to our review of the year, in September 2024, I was processing uncertainty. I had started dating a guy, and was nervous because I didn't know if we would end up married in the end or if we would break up. "You are my eternally caring father who is present with me as I process every various thought that crosses my mind. Lord Jesus, thank you that I can always trust you and that you always come through — coming to my aid. Help my heart and please give me peace" (09.26.24). 

Dating offers zero guarantees — the relationship could work out and you might stay together forever, or you might break up and part ways. Only God knows what the result will be. You have to do your part to be discerning and try to figure out if the relationship would be a good fit, but in the end, God is in control. He decides if the door will be open and if it will move forward with joy, or if one or both parties will reach a point where they agree it's time to go on without each other. That's a tough reality to wrestle with when you genuinely care about the person you date (and you should only date people you have real concern for, otherwise you will damage people severely). "Thank you that you are in control over every area of my life and that you are fully trustworthy. You are who you say you are" (10.20.24).

"There did we rejoice in Him who rules by His might forever" (Psalm 66:6b-7a).

God Shows Himself in the Difficulties of Providence

On a December day, I felt angst in my chest. I knew I had reached a state that only God could deliver me from in my fear, so I picked up my Bible study journal and began writing out a passage from the book of John. God is such a kind and powerful Father. When you suffer, He always cares enormously, and He is perfectly able to bring peace in the midst of our storms. 

"How powerful and how kind is the Lord God Almighty? I was struggling so much this morning with what I wrote [earlier in the day in my journal]...Then God met me so very powerfully in my quiet time with Him this morning. I was continuing through my 'Write the Word' journal, and had to write out a passage from John 9 today. ‘And His disciples asked Him, ‘Who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?’ Jesus answered, ‘It was not that this man sinned or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him’ (John 9:2-3). Then my study Bible had this quote regarding the passage — 'The difficulties of providence, otherwise unaccountable, may be resolved into this: God intends in them to show Himself, to declare His glory.’ (Matthew Henry, Commentary on the Whole Bible). God Almighty, thank you that my sufferings and trials and difficulties are not for nothing" (12.27.24).

Isn't it amazing that when we face suffering that may not make sense, God is literally involved in every detail of it? Somehow, our hardest times are unfolding according to the counsel of His will, and He is working it out for our good.

"In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will" (Ephesians 1:11).

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).

Jesus is our Great High Priest, and He lives forever to make intercession for us before God the Father (see Hebrews 7:25). So when we face those challenges of providence, we can be completely confident that God not only sees what we are going through — there is continual prayer and advocacy on our behalf! Praise the Lord that we have that kind of Father — who never overlooks us, forgets us, or fails us. His presence and faithfulness are continual.

Tears and Consolation

February was a challenging month. I kept busy with a regular schedule of work, school, church events, and spending time with my boyfriend. And, for some reason, we hit a patch in that relationship that was grieving me without a clear explanation. (02.07.25) "I can’t believe how much I cried last night. I was inconsolable for hours, it seemed like. I was just really devastated. Lord Jesus, please help me take everything one day at a time…You are the only One who actually knows what the future will hold…Only you know. Please help me to trust you completely and entirely with my life. Help me to entrust my relationship status to you. If it’s in your plan for us to break up, then please help me to wholly entrust my singleness to you. I need help finding peace in you when my circumstances are full of uncertainty. So please give me the grace to trust you. Give me great faith and confidence in your character — that you are a good God of love. You see me in all that I suffer. 'You’re with me in the middle of it all, God. You’re catching every tear as it falls down' (Hannah Ker)." 

We don't get to decide how our seasons of life will go. Sometimes you "do things right" as much as you can, but still experience pain. Maybe God allows this so we can know Him as our Refuge more than ever before.

"God is my refuge and very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1).

Adverse Childhood Experiences and Controversy

Sometimes grief is just a part of life — don't we all experience that?! But for those of us who are blessed with depression, it can sometimes be more than just a little sadness here and there. For several years, I have been working on my mental health, with the goal of becoming as healthy as I can personally be. Some people have very good experiences in their childhood, and others face types of suffering that can cause distress while they are small and unable to fully process the events. I fell into the latter group. Because of this, it has taken a lot of work to get to the bottom of the cause of my sometimes-prolonged sorrow and pain. One theory psychologists have developed to help explain why some kids thrive and others not only struggle in childhood but may arrive at adulthood with a lot of challenges to overcome is something called Adverse Childhood Experiences. This term encapsulates various kinds of adversity that kids can face that may cause psychological damage, and where to go from there when you're ready to work on healing.

If you follow me on social media, you know I'm not afraid to discuss controversial but important topics. As I've aged, I've chilled out some — I don't discuss every little controversy that interests me now, but I am still willing to share unpopular but necessary information, especially if it could protect the vulnerable. And that's the state of mind I was in when I shared a simple post someone else wrote to my Instagram story. I won't go into all the depths about that post here, but you can go down a lot of research rabbit holes on the topic of childhood attachment. Humans only survive infancy because of attentive caregivers. We are all born incredibly neurologically and physically fragile. It takes a lot of tireless work from our parents to help us grow beyond this stage of intense neediness. But we not only have physical needs; we have to form a healthy bond with our caregiver(s) in order to thrive. It was a post in this spirit that unintentionally stirred the pot.

I received a direct message from a woman I had known for several years. Just a few months prior, I mailed her a gift for her new baby and congratulated her on the child's birth. I had attempted to be supportive to her and listen to her experiences with pregnancy and growing her family when we had previously talked in person. Suddenly, the post I shared about childhood attachment convinced her I needed a strong rebuke. I penned in my journal: "She told me…that I am not a parent, so it would be very hard for me to understand. She also told me that this is not a moral issue like abortion, and so I should not be sharing judgmental things like this. One thing is true. I am not a parent. However, I was the child who experienced (likely) psychological damage from the practice she says I have no right to address. This is a very oppressive mindset — that if I am not a parent, I have no right to speak on issues that could create lifelong psychological harm, and that makes relationships harder as an adult."

Those of us who have experienced Adverse Childhood Experiences, and share information about mental wellness and attachment, may be attacked as uncompassionate judges who just want to shame people — when nothing could be further from the truth. The truth is, children not only have a right not to be violently murdered in the womb. They also have a right to excellent care from their parents after birth. Obviously, parents can only do their best, and sometimes — especially when parents are mentally or physically ill —they may have significant limitations in how they care for their children. But we should make it our goal as a society to heighten our responsiveness to the needs of children — we must not shame kids for needing love, support, attention, and care from their parents. It is in the absence of these things that, if the genetics and environment are prime for it, mental illness can develop in a child, and it may last a lifetime. This is both a tragedy and a reality. 

What It Says About Us When We're Triggered

You can attempt to share important information gently, and people may still choose to see you as negatively as possible in that context. This usually comes from unresolved personal issues. We all have them. We have all probably had the experience where someone says or posts something that should not feel offensive to us, but it does because it triggers something that is unresolved inside us. 

We each have a responsibility to take ownership of our mental health, or lack thereof. If people say something you do not like and you can tell that you are becoming emotionally escalated, there is a pretty high likelihood that the person you are speaking with may not be in need of a rebuke — there is something inside yourself that is asking for more attention. 

Sometimes our emotional wounds can stay very conveniently covered until someone inconveniences us by saying something that is shared from a gentle heart, but touches on that hurt we would rather ignore than deal with. If people lash out at you — like I experienced — it's important to remember that we are all broken human beings, and if we don't take responsibility for our own mental states and wounds, we will unhealthily blame others and miss out on vital opportunities for greater healing of our personal wounds.

Triggers are unavoidable in life. We will all likely face them. And when we do, it will do us much good to remember that painful emotional states are an invitation to deeper healing. It will probably be inconvenient. You might have to call a therapist and sit down to talk through the worst events of your life. You might have to face things about your life or personal history that you would rather overlook. But the truth is, the triggered emotional state probably won't go away if we simply resort to blaming people who are not responsible for our wounds or if we try to avoid all emotions by dwelling only in the logical part of our brains. There is an entire book on this subject called "Parenting from the Inside Out" by Dr. Daniel Siegel that is so fascinating — sometimes we defend ourselves from pain by shutting down our capacity to feel. This will never heal you — you are hiding, and sooner or later, another trigger will come, and you will be back at square one.

The entire topic of mental health could be its own post. The same is true with Adverse Childhood Experiences and attachment science. So I'll just conclude here before I go on about these topics that have demanded more of my attention than I expected, so that I could process through my own wounds and begin healing mentally.

When Trepidation Strikes

Life is full of unforeseeable events — it's a part of being a finite, non-omniscient being. Thankfully, God sees it all, and as He unfolds His plans for us in accordance with His will — which can seem mysterious at times — He is with us every step. "Sometimes there are no immediate answers and you just have to wait on God. I think that’s where I am. Oh Lord, give me discernment and courage" (02.18.25).

I wrote down four verses that I needed in a season of unease. 

"Keep your life free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for He has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you'" (Hebrews 13:5).

"Where shall I go from your spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?" (Psalm 139:7).

"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will strengthen you; I will surely help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand" (Isaiah 41:10).

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus" (Phil. 4:6-7).

I think my heart was sensing that things were up and down in my dating relationship. "Lord God Almighty, thank you for your presence in past and present losses. I can trust you with any difficulty, grief, loss, or hardship you sovereignly allow in my life. Today, for seemingly no reason, I am struck by anxiety and a temptation to fear. Please meet me here in my uncertainty, and please provide peace. Whatever losses I may experience in the future, may I trust you fully through it all" (03.20.25).

Unfortunately, that perception that things might not be going well proved to be correct in the end. "'And being found in human form He humbled Himself and became obedient unto death, even death on a cross. Therefore God has highly exalted Him and bestowed on Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth' (Phil 2:8-10). 'Jesus, thank you for humbling yourself and becoming obedient even unto death. Your name is above every other name. If this relationship with [boyfriend] ends, you will still be in control of all things, and you will care for me well and for him well" (04.07.25). By the end of that month, we parted ways.

Breaking Up

The breakup of year 25 is not my first; even so, it was marked by grief and heartache. Christian dating is an interesting thing; we form attachments with a significant other to discern if we could possibly unite our lives and glorify God together. Sounds exciting, but it can be complicated, when we are each individual humans who bring our own backgrounds that are impacted by childhood, past relationships, beliefs, convictions that are important to us, work commitments, and the plans we carry for the future. Can it all fit together, or, in the end, will we have to go our separate ways?

While I was dating this past year, I picked up a book that helped me through the discernment process. To be honest, I am a bit jaded with Christian dating books because some of them are lacking in depth in my opinion, so I didn't expect much when I picked up this book, but it ended up being incredibly helpful. "The Sacred Search" by Gary Thomas was convicting and clarifying. It helped me grow in self-awareness — thinking more deeply about what I want out of a future marriage. When we have expectations inside of ourselves that we are not aware of, it can cause relational strife and problems, but when we know more clearly what we're looking for in a relationship and what our values are, it makes the process of dating more straightforward.

Even if the discernment process becomes clearer, it doesn't make the experience of breaking up pain-free. When we encounter loss, grieving is a healthy response. It is unhealthy to avoid appropriately processing heartbreak and pain. Do not expect to be a whole and healthy person if you refuse to allow yourself to feel the weight of grief. Yes, it is uncomfortable and achy, but part of living in this fallen world involves loss sometimes. 

In order to be healthy people after these experiences, we have to allow ourselves to feel, remembering that our Heavenly Father compassionately sees every tear, and every time our hearts feel weighed down. He is the kind of God who has "borne our griefs and carried our sorrows" (Isaiah 53:4b). He never ignores our pain, and He does not see us as "less spiritual" for processing heartache. So do it. Let the tears fall, consider the tragedy that is loss, and cry out to the Creator who made you for a world where there was no pain and no tears. We're experiencing the impact of the fall of man, and one day God will make all things right, and we will have an eternal breakup with pain, sin, loss, and heartache.

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be His people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And He who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.' Also He said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.' And He said to me, 'It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son" (Revelation 21:3-7).

At the end of April and into the month of May, you could find me crying in the privacy of my home.

"It is so sad to lose someone who is still alive" (05.11.25)

Heartbreak is akin to feeling shattered into a thousand pieces — sometimes, tragically, hopes and dreams die in this fallen world. And we feel the weight of the brokenness. But we have a Father who isn't even slightly uncomfortable with, afraid of, or lacking in knowledge of how to reach to us in our losses. He draws us near in His perfect, loving, caring way — because He is the Lord Jesus who loved us so greatly that He was willingly crucified for our sin. He knows well how to pursue His broken, falling, hurting creatures. He is the Great Physician — no brokenness you ever experience could surprise Him. He is the Healer, and there is no safer place to take our wounds and our heartbreak than into the hands that were wounded for us (as Elisabeth Elliot would say).

Two Losses at Once?

To be honest, I was extra afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend because I felt that I had just experienced deep loss a year ago when I was quietly fired from a ministry job. As the end of the dating relationship drew near, I knew it might be a double whammy since I was still processing the loss of the job, too. While I was feeling all the feels of the breakup, a text came through to me that brought on more pain to process from the old job.

"Loss is such a strange thing. It can happen any time and with nearly anything. I had no idea when I took my job at [a pro-life organization] that all the joy I felt then would soon turn to sadness and pain. Today [name redacted] texted me to let me know she is taking my old job…at [the pro-life organization]. I feel such a blend of feelings." (05.17.25).

In the old job, I was pushed to grow fast, and I hoped it would work out! Sadly, it did not, even with my fiercest effort — working seven days a week, in the end, to try to meet hefty expectations that seemed to be beyond any human capacity of achievement. Sometimes life is unjust, and all we can do is surrender to God and His plan, even when it doesn't take us where we expected to go. "In you, O Lord, do I take refuge" (Psalm 31:1a).

God is able to redeem from the rubble, and He is carrying out His purposes in our most painful times. 

"You’re making a masterpiece. 

You’re shaping the soul in me. 

You’re moving where I can’t see. 

And all I am is in your hands. 

You’re taking me all apart… 

to finish your work of art for all to see 

You’re making a masterpiece." 

— Danny Gokey

One of the gifts of suffering is that it wakes us up to reality — it reminds us that there is so much we can't take with us to heaven. It's an opportunity to examine our motives and what we're truly living for — to see if those goals have any eternal value, or if the things we want will in fact have no meaning after the grave. I wrote Psalm 52:7-9 in a journal. "See the man who would not make God his refuge, but trusted in the abundance of his riches and sought refuge in his own destruction. But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever. I will thank you forever, because you have done it. I will wait for your name, for it is good, in the presence of the godly" (05.19.25).

Healthy Leadership

I think one of God's purposes in allowing me to experience pain in a previous job may have been to create a desire in me to discern and articulate the difference between healthy and unhealthy leadership — not only in the workplace, but in general and at large. Just because a person has what may be an impressive position of leadership does not mean they are a healthy leader or that they are good at guiding people. In May of 2025, I saw a quote on leadership that I believe gets to the heart of one of the major flaws of modern-day management.

"Correction without connection is just condescension."

Some people in positions of power believe they are so effective and influential that all they need to do is send out some commands and rebukes to their direct reports, then all will be well. However, if a leader chooses to frequently correct but fails to connect healthily with those in their care, the guidance they provide may come across as unkind and condescending. 

Individuals who are not capable of building caring, respectful connections with people should never be given positions of power. Real leadership is not about brutally forcing people to do things through a "kick in the pants." Instead, it is about humbly taking responsibility, leading by example, and seeing no task as too lowly to help with. Great leaders love people and find joy in helping them achieve success. 

I was talking with a professional I know a few months ago, and that conversation caused me to see leadership development differently than ever before. Where we met, I knew her as a person with an entry-level job, but she had previously been in management at a different corporation. When her staff reviewed her management, she was frequently described as a leader who lacked personability and kindness. Instead of receiving this feedback with humility, she lurched back and denied all claims that cast her in a negative light. "I was never mean," she said to me with irritation in her expression, recalling a situation that had taken place a few years ago. 

This conversation was eye-opening; there was no reason to think her former direct reports had a reason to be unnecessarily critical. Most likely, it was accurate feedback that made the woman uncomfortable to deal with, so she took the easier road and decided she would deny, deny, and deny as much as necessary to protect herself. 

The way we perceive ourselves has the capacity to limit our growth as individuals and leaders. If we refuse to open ourselves up to feedback from those who report to us, we will continue not to grow in the parts of ourselves that are most hurting others at work. This woman told me that she is certainly laidback and chill, but from my experience interacting with her, I could see she was actually very particular and perhaps had some OCD tendencies. However, it may feel more comfortable and safe to view herself as easygoing, as this does not carry any negative connotations. 

We blind ourselves to our need to grow when we silence those in our care who point out ways our personality or leadership has harmed them. Great leaders are secure and self-aware enough to be open to even the most challenging conversations about their need for growth. 

Insecure leaders, on the other hand, retaliate against staff who provide accurate but hard-to-hear feedback. You could be highly skilled at your job, but if you have a manager who is deeply insecure, you could be out of a job simply because they see your natural confidence as a threat. This creates workplaces with politics that encourage people to "kiss the rear" of the boss, and ousts truth-tellers who are committed to personal and professional development.

All this to say, modern workplaces are often diseased with troubled managers who know very little about leadership, and get by through playing politics for years. I was a manager for just shy of two years, and I don't know if I will ever formally be a workplace leader again, but if I do, I pray that God would give me grace to remember that leadership is about relationships, supportiveness, kindness, and inspiring people to achieve greatness. It's not about forcing direct reports to bow to your power — instead, it's about following the example of the most perfect Leader in the universe — the Lord Jesus Himself, who washed the feet of His disciples. May God transform modern leaders — eradicating them of corrupting insecurity, and giving them strength to lead like the Lord Jesus, the Manager of the Universe, who cares intensely about every person He has made in His image.

Lessons Learned, Growth Experienced, and the Joy to Come

Thanks for joining me for this year's reflection! This was a longer-than-average update, so I want to express my gratitude if you've chosen to read on this far. We discussed abortion, pro-life activism, suffering, dating, psychological well-being, workplace leadership, and much more — each of these was a topic somehow related to God's plan of growth for me in the last year. I pray that through this post, you not only get a peek into the Lord's faithful dealing with me, but that you also recall that every year of your own life is a sacred season of growth. God is always doing more than we could ever ask or think! He is an involved, present, and caring Father who is near every single day — no matter how mundane the given moment may appear in our finite perspective. Who knows how the Lord will use your challenges and sufferings of the day to glorify Him and perhaps reach someone else with hope, testimony, and victory.

In retrospect, I think year twenty-five was a year of healing (after a brutal year twenty-four!), and I praise God for being the Great Physician who sees every aspect of me that needs more growth or greater healing and how He never abandons me there, but meets me and continues to conform me more into His image. Even when that sanctification can be painful. May God minister to you in all that you face in your life today — I pray that through this post, you are reminded that God cares and that He is a God who sees us in all that we face in this life.

"This I know, that God is for me" (Psalm 56:9c).

Ten Years of Let My Life Be A Light

Did you know it's been ten years since I first published this blog on the internet? Time flies. At the beginning of Let My Life Be a Light, I was fifteen years old, passionate, an optimistic dreamer and ideator, and simply a girl from a small town with practically nowhere else to write. 

It was, then, my dream to write for a Christian women's magazine I had been reading for years. If only I could join them on their mission to share about life experiences and eternal truth. Wouldn't that be something? Two years passed, and I had the opportunity to meet the founder of the magazine and some of the women who regularly wrote for the publication. Here was my chance, I thought, to connect with these incredible Christians who had made an impact on me. 

It didn't go quite as planned. If you are the type of person who likes to look for specific ways to build others up, and you practice this regularly, then you have likely experienced the same misunderstanding I have...at least once or twice in life. And that would be when people assume that if you say something kind, you mean it insincerely and as a flatterer.  It is quite a harsh judgment — especially if you decide these are the motives of a little new grad homeschool girl who is just seventeen years old. But that was tragically what happened. A desire to build up one writer on the team had me harshly rebuked as a flatterer to the point of my own uncontrollable tears. 

I could never belong with writers like these. I thought to myself. But it went deeper. It wasn't just that I was broadly stamped as insincere, which was painful enough. My parents had just gotten separated a few months prior, and I could almost guarantee none of them would understand the weight I was carrying from my family's struggles with dysfunction. In other words, I felt unseen, overlooked, and judged. After a few months of learning from that ministry, away from my home in the Midwest, I returned to the north, and sank into a new depressive low. It was tempting to believe many lies. 

No one cares how much I'm suffering. 

I will never be able to write or share anything that's close to my heart. 

No one will ever want to listen to me or read my writing since that ministry judged me severely. 

I can't touch people's lives or make a difference in the way I wish I could.

Yet more time passed. With the help of a wise Christian counselor, I was unraveling childhood trauma and the pain that had been inflicted upon me by associating with that ministry. Slowly but surely, I was gaining little bits of hope back into my heart.

Maybe there was never to be an opportunity for me to write for that one publication. Could I humble myself enough to recognize that it's possible God gave me a passion to write, but that He may be giving me a smaller group of readers? Would I be content to reach one hurting soul that followed me on Facebook and tuned into my latest ramblings about eternal truth as it applies to messy daily life? Could I come to a place of acceptance that the future may never look how I planned, but that God's purposes are even more meaningful than a dream from my heart that died a sad death?

I decided to go for it. Maybe I was the girl some ministry frowned upon, and maybe I was going to write anyway. There are a lot of benefits to starting your own blog instead of joining someone else's, after all. But I did not see it that way, at the time, as each post was a reminder to me that I didn't get to be a part of the magazine I dreamed of contributing to. 

Later, I realized that since God created me as a more independent person who likes to take on projects that provide autonomy and flexibility — instead of rigidity and control from others — my own blog was just the right fit for my nature. Down the road, I did get chances to write for other blogs as a volunteer and to be a paid ghost writer for a nonprofit, and it came with challenges I had never considered. I like to make my own directions and create my own guidelines. But if you work with other people who have a high need for control, your ability to decide what you write and how you write it can be severely limited. I was beginning to see that my desire to write was deeply connected to my creative passions — it wasn't just something I did because of force and self-discipline. I wrote when and because I had a message on my heart.  

Certainly, self-discipline plays a role in that, but when you are genuinely excited about a goal — and not forced into a project you may find meaningless — you can write more prolifically and with much greater fulfillment from the task. There is a distinct difference between writing that is a product of rough force and a "kick in the pants" mentality, and the prose of individuals who feel passion and inspiration as they pen their message. The former is widespread and common, while the unique, creative traits that make the latter possible touch our lives in unexpected ways.

I think I've tried to bring that spirit of inspiration to this blog, although only God can decide how impactful any given blog post will be. It's from the heart — that much is true. And I believe in the importance of sharing in a way that is, Lord willing, genuine and authentic. I've had enough interactions for a lifetime with Christians who believe they are superior for pretending to have it together. None of those people has ever ministered to me, helped me, or shared a word in season when I was suffering. 

The more we attempt to conceal our need for Christ — and act like nothing is wrong and everything is just picturesque — the less we are able to minister to people in a way that truly touches their lives. For some reason, there is a sect of Christianity that has developed that is emotionless and refined — as though the Christian life was supposed to be some kind of antique China cabinet. But, in fact, if a person truly does have the Spirit of God dwelling inside them, then there is major construction underway. God is driving out old, fleshly, sinful, broken ways from our lives, and He is conforming us into His image. In this fallen world that is marred by sin, the process of sanctification isn't necessarily pretty — there can be tears, heartache, loss, difficulties, and pains of many kinds in this process of being made more like Jesus. (And of course, many joys too!) And I have personally been most encouraged by the writers who strike the right balance between sharing what is real about their lives and what is eternally true in the midst of it. Not a kind of transparency that celebrates life being a mess, but a recognition that in our weakness Christ gladly meets us and is strong.

I'm not sure how long you've been around the blog or how many posts you may have read, but I hope that even through this one post, you can see that I am simply one person who is broken and whose only wholeness and healing is in Christ Jesus Himself. One hymn puts it this way, 

"My Great Physician heals the sick, the lost, He came to save. A sinful soul, I come to Him — He'll never cast me out" [1]. 

I have been blessed to share my writing with the world for a decade now, and along the way, I have made silly typos, big mistakes, and have — at times — had my writing harshly criticized. So, know that what I am doing, you can also do. If God has placed it on your heart to write, but it seems like the door is always closed to you to share, have you ever considered starting your own blog? A few people along the way may have judged you (as they have me), and some editors may have found your personal style strange (I've been here, too), but what if you dared to write anyway? If God has convicted you that He has a message to share through your imperfect, broken life, who might it touch if you were willing to be seen in your vulnerability?

Ten years have come and gone much faster than I knew to expect, but I am grateful to the Lord for His grace and for His guidance not to give up writing in spite of challenges. I pray that through my unpicturesque life, somehow, you are strengthened and blessed. As it's been said by others (maybe A.W. Tozer?), what if your life being broken into a thousand pieces is like broken bread and poured out wine that can feed a thousand? What if your greatest heartbreak and hurt also becomes a point of great ministry to others? 

Don't give up. Go plant those seeds God is calling you to sow. Be faithful. Be ok with being small and unknown. And along the way, God willing, you'll impact people deeply.

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1. My Faith Has Found a Resting Place by E.E. Hewitt

Remembering 24: These Strange Ashes

 

"When human hands have done all they can — when they've done their worst — you are still held in God's hands" (Erwin Lutzer).

I took a seat as a wave of grief passed over me, and the tears began to flow. I had just completed a work meeting — the results of which were about to drastically change my life. I'm not much of a crier, but that day the wailing lasted nearly four hours. Trying to pull it together and take a deep breath, I picked up the phone and called my mom (thank the Lord for godly mothers). I explained the situation — that I was being forced out of an organization I had invested blood, sweat, and tears in — and that I wanted to try to figure out some way to make it work. But, the truth was, I was being "quietly fired" — which basically meant I could resign or be let go. I felt profoundly humiliated, betrayed, and used. Why had I chosen to sacrifice days, nights, weekends, some holidays, my creativity, and ideas for an entity that was ready to dispose of me at the drop of a hat? I wasn't sure. Had I been blind?

A blend of thought, tears, and prayer led to my final decision—it was time to pen my letter of resignation and complete my final two weeks. For years, I had pushed myself to endure, work harder, and never give up under the job conditions, but, alas, I saw clearly that it had tragically been in vain.

Elisabeth Elliot once wrote a book she named "These Strange Ashes," a story of work she felt she had done in vain. Elisabeth was a missionary who was translating the Bible into a tribal language. After laboring diligently at the task, all her translation notes were lost, never to be recovered. She penned that title "These Strange Ashes" in reflection about the loss of work she had done fully for God.

That book title seems fitting as I reflect on year twenty-four of my existence. Most of this past year was spent working for an entity that would ultimately decide to go on without me.

Since that fateful meeting, I’ve found myself experiencing all of the stages of grief, and deepening my prayer life. Investing strong effort in a cause you care about is ultimately an act of vulnerability because every little stride towards the ideal – in this case, of ending abortion – is done with heart. Once your work is dismissed by those you once considered comrades in the fight, it is crushing. However, God has thankfully met me in this newfound place of loss.

Choosing to offer up your skills, work, and effort for an oppressed people group can be fulfilling, but with such high stakes in the fight, it can also be demoralizing.

Although my season of working at one entity is over, and it came to a close in a way that felt humiliating, prayer has led me to the conclusion that regardless of what may happen between me and other advocates – good or bad experiences – the unborn deserve my defense. And that is why I continue to fight for them after such a brutal experience.

Looking Back at Year 24

The unexpected ending to my job came this July, but long before that, a lot of life was lived in year twenty-four. Looking all the way back to last August, God was teaching me through challenges what it means to have confidence based on His unchanging character and not in the coming and going of personal successes or failures. 

Feeling down after a challenging day, I wrote these words in my journal,  “Lord, I’ve made so many mistakes today. I’m hurting on the inside…Life has been rather overwhelming today. All of my wounds have been triggered and ripped wide open. So many memories flashed before me — so much grief was felt. Everything was fine for most of the day until [something happened at work]…An OK day became a very humiliating and low day…” (09.05.23). Challenges in the workplace were forcing me to look beyond my current circumstances onto the eternal for meaning. I found myself reflecting on God's unfailing presence: 

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me” (Isaiah 49:16). “I, even I, am He who comforts you” (Isaiah 51:12).

The month of September brought an onslaught of abortion extremism to the state of Michigan. Despite the fact that the abortion industry had succeeded in its disinformation campaign promoting Proposal 3, ending in that amendment of lies being added to our state's constitution, they were not yet satisfied in their pursuit of shedding the blood of the innocent preborn. Thus, the Reproductive Health Act was heard before Michigan's legislature. "Tomorrow, bright and early, I am going to attend the Health Policy Committee hearing of the Reproductive Health Act. Lord Jesus, please cause the RHA to fail" (09.13.23). 

That morning was hard to stomach. I joined dozens of pro-life advocates who opposed this new legislation in the House of Representatives that sought to enshrine abortion through all nine months in our state's laws. We only had a few pro-life laws left in Michigan, but the Reproductive Health Act would repeal many of those that remained. Bold pro-life professionals took the stand and defended the preborn in front of the pro-abortion majority in the committee. Months later, despite our hearty opposition, the Reproductive Health Act was passed. Today, RHA continues to be a source of oppression, discrimination, and violent harm against the most vulnerable members of our state. Never has the need been greater for every pro-life person to raise their voice on behalf of babies in the womb who are completely unable to defend themselves.

I continued praying and asking God to show me how to advocate more effectively for the unborn. He would give me peace through His Word: "You guide me with your counsel" (Psalm 73:24). Every person who seeks to defend babies in the womb brings their own unique gifts, strengths, and weaknesses to the fight — and everyone is needed in our mission to end violence against children. "God gave you a fingerprint that no one else has, so you can leave an imprint that no one else can" (Unknown).

In the midst of intense anti-abortion advocacy, I was wrestling with some personal things in my own heart. This Scripture simultaneously rebuked me and encouraged my soul — "I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps" (Jeremiah 10:23). God is sovereign over every individual aspect of our lives — the things that bring us joy, and the hardships that threaten to break us. I journaled: "May I have valiant trust in you, in your plans, and in the suffering you allow me to experience in your sovereignty" (10.22.23). I was carrying some heavy things that kept me in prayer and constantly coming to God for hope, strength, and fresh joy. God was reminding me that He works powerfully through the weakness of His people. "Our weakness is a vessel for His power and our flaws a canvas for His grace" (She Reads Truth).

When My Spirit Cries Out "SOS"

God brought great conviction upon my heart as the winter months progressed — I was living in fear in many ways, and a simple verse that many of us read around Christmastime pricked my conscience.

"She will give birth to a Son, and you are to give Him the name Jesus, because He will save His people from their sins" (Matthew 1:21, emphasis added).

I had been studying sections of the book of Matthew and the Holy Spirit met me as I examined that one particular word — save. "The word 'Save' is the Greek word 'Sozo' which is from sos — a Greek word meaning safe or rescued. ‘Safe/rescued from destruction and brought into divine safety’ (Helps Word Studies). When I feel unsafe and my spirit cries out ‘SOS’ I will remember that I am in the care of the One named Jesus Christ who has saved my soul for all eternity and brought me into divine safety. Because of the work that Jesus has done, I have been rescued for all eternity. I dwell in divine safety even when I feel unsafe" (01.02.24) [1].

If I was enslaved to the sin of fear, God was convicting me through His Word that I needed to confess and be set free from it. Other passages that I read on different days also contributed to this. "We know that our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing so that we would no longer be enslaved to sin" (Romans 6:6). "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).

One of my many fears, at the time, had to do with painful relationships that seemed to threaten my future. But God continued to call me out and remind me that my responsibility is to be faithful in what He places before me each day, to be kind to the people He puts in front of me, and to be intent in my pursuit of Him. I happened upon these words from Alexandra Hoover that helped me meditate on God's absolute control over every circumstance I face: 

"God will pull up the chairs and make a room at the tables that you need to be at. Your influence isn’t contingent on others. Steward what God’s called you to. Stay faithful."

 

God’s Presence in my Uncertainties

Mary Slessor — a missionary to Calabar — once spoke these profound words: "My life is one long daily, hourly record of answered prayer. For physical health, for mental overstrain, for guidance given marvelously, for errors and dangers averted, for enmity to the Gospel subdued, for food provided at the exact hour needed, for everything that goes to make up life and my poor service. I can testify, with a full and often wonder-stricken awe, that I believe God answers prayer" [2].

So many times during year twenty-four, I found myself calling upon the Lord Jesus for His intervention and provision, and He never failed to be my help. God delights in the dependence of His children — it is never a burden to Him when we bring Him our needs, heartaches, challenges, joys, hopes, desires, and dreams. He cares about all of it, and He desires for us to draw ever nearer to Him in every kind of season we face in this life.

Overcoming Relational Oppression

This past year came with a crash course in skills I never wanted to need to learn. And that would be the need to identify gaslighting and oppressive relational dynamics — discerning them with the light of Scripture.

I penned in my journal: "I will believe, with God’s help, that I am fully loved to the core of my being even when I am treated poorly by people" (05.29.24).

Have you ever had a person in your life who was incapable of convincing you of their perspective with normal human reason (or through prayer), and instead turned to psychological manipulation? Unfortunately, I had a relationship in my life that went that way. If I had a disagreement with this individual, they would tell me that I was "making up stories" or that what I thought was reality wasn't actually. I began bringing others into the situation since I was being accused of insanity. I would show a wise mentor some of the communications I received from this individual, and with their added input, and that of a Christian counselor, it became clear that I wasn't loony and my perspective wasn't wrong, but my perspective did not serve this person's narratives, and thus they resorted to gaslighting to attempt to intimidate me into embracing their conclusions.

Never before have I been so convinced of the need for more education on what manipulation looks like in relationships. If you are ever told by an acquaintance, friend, coworker, or significant other that you are crazy for not embracing their vein of thinking, be cautious before agreeing with their perspective that you're just insane and that's the whole problem. It's possible you are experiencing psychological manipulation through gaslighting. (And if you are experiencing that, I recommend picking up the book "Safe People"* by Cloud and Townsend).

If you are experiencing gaslighting, it can erode your confidence and create intense doubt about your own mental faculties. But we serve a God who tests hearts and minds — He knows every person's true motives — whether they are genuine or not. 

“I the Lord search the heart and test the mind, to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his deeds" (Jeremiah 17:10).

Bring your hardest human relationships before God in prayer, and ask Him to fill you with discernment and courage when you face toxic behavior from others. Often God does call His people into dark places that may include encountering people with maladaptive coping strategies. Jesus is a valiant defender of His children — He is not an accuser. When people exhibit accusatory behavior, have the tenacity to remember that your identity is forever fixed in Christ — no human being can give or take away your security. One of the greatest benefits of experiencing the challenges of difficult people in our lives is that it creates an opportunity to grow in supernatural resilience before them — testifying to the eternal strength of our God, who faithfully defends us.

Remember that God Has Specifically Gifted You According to His Purposes

I hope you never encounter gaslighting in your relationships. Whether if you do or not, we all need the reminder that God has gifted us in specific, meaningful ways and wants to use our gifts for His glory. Even if others in your life have sought to sow doubt in you and the gifts God has given you, you are, in fact, gifted in many unique ways, and He has prepared you for particular good works He has in mind for you to do for Him.

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" (Ephesians 2:10).

---

Year twenty-four was incredibly hard, but I look back and see that God has been faithful and present. Had I experienced a year like twenty-four a few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to handle it. I see in that the grace of God and His faithful presence ever going before me in the sufferings He sovereignly allows in my life. It's a sign of growth made possible by God when we can look back and see that He has given us what we needed to endure hardships we never planned to face. As I look ahead to year twenty-five, which is starting today, I feel a strong sense of grit that was built through the dirt of the previous year. 

Although I would have liked to avoid some of the difficulties of year twenty-four had that been possible, I now have new discernment about incredibly challenging situations that will help protect me from bad situations in the future. Even though I would not have chosen some of the profoundly hard relationships that were in my life last year, I have become more courageous and more resistant to manipulation as a result of it. Scripture tells us that God is working all things: "for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), so if you are currently facing a difficult year of your own, know that I am praying that God shows you His incredible power, peace, and presence as you endure the challenge before you. He is an incredibly loving and strong God who is able to see you through every difficulty you ever face. Dare to believe it, and go forth courageously in all He has called you to. Even if you've faced a season of "strange ashes," He will redeem, and He will refresh your soul in the wilderness.

"He is my loving God and my fortress" (Psalm 144:2a).

---

Works Cited

1. Bible Hub. 4982 Sozo. https://biblehub.com/greek/4982.htm

2. Mary Slessor. https://www.azquotes.com/quote/721988

* I do not endorse the entire book "Safe People" by Cloud and Townsend (I disagree with a few sections of it), but, generally, it is a helpful resource.

Seven Tips For Navigating Painful Transitions

Recently, I began a new season of life. Without going into great depths about the messy situation, I will say that my recent experiences have included a painful transition forward into the next things God is calling me to do. But with this alteration has also come much thought about what it means to navigate a painful transition well, for the glory of God.

Have you had difficult transitions in your life before? If so, here are seven tips I hope will minister to you and give you hope as you look ahead.

1. Reflect on God's sovereignty over your life story

Whenever we find ourselves moving into new territory that we did not plan to traverse, it can cause us to reflect on our life story. Maybe you're even tempted to recall many painful events that have occurred over the course of your existence and bask in the ache of it all. But the truth is, even when we are grieving, sad, experiencing loss, or harmed by others, our Good and Loving God is still in control and is sovereign over our life story. No transition -- no matter how hurtful, unexpected, or unwanted -- takes our God by surprise. He is guiding the unfolding details of our lives in accordance with His eternal plan. The simple fact that we even exist at all is a testament to His presence with us. 

"Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created" (Revelation 4:11).

We live in a world impacted by sin and the fall of man -- and thus, every person to ever live, since Adam and Eve, experiences suffering. Therefore, closing one chapter of your story and moving into the next isn't always a perfectly happy adjustment. Even so, in knowing Jesus Christ -- the One who is the same yesterday, today, and forever (Heb. 13:8) -- we can find healing from the wounds we all experience in a broken earth. God's sovereignty gives us stability in the unknown. Because our trustworthy, kind, thoughtful, and perfectly just God is King of the universe, we can find rest for our souls even when we encounter an unexpectedly painful transition.


2. Do not fear man

“I, even I, am he who comforts you. Who are you that you fear mere mortals, human beings who are but grass, For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar—the Lord Almighty is his name. I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand—I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, ‘You are my people'" (Isaiah 51:12,15-16).

Whatever role people may have played in causing you hurt during this life change, know they do not have the final say over your life. Scripture exhorts us to fear God and not man. As we just discussed above, it is God who is sovereign, not people. It is God who is in control, not fallen human beings who perhaps want us to experience pain. It is God who is guiding your life, not the decisions of those around you. I love these words from Corrie ten Boom: "Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives, is the perfect preparation for the future only He can see." We know that even the most trying challenges we face are circumstances that exist not to create the fear of man in our hearts but to increase our fear of God, who works all things together for our good (Rom. 8:28).


3. Do good

When you face an unexpected loss, it can be tempting to act out of bitterness, but God calls us to respond differently to the suffering we face. 

"Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good" (1 Peter 4:19). 

We are commanded to do good amidst our suffering. So although your heart might be aching with uncertainty and pain, God is still able to produce the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Walking closely with the Lord Jesus results in our lives being marked by love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control (see Gal.5:22-23). No Christian exhibits these fruits perfectly -- this is a fallen world, after all -- but as we grow in our personal walks with Jesus, we will be increasingly marked by the fruit of the Spirit.


4. Turn to the Canon of Scripture for Comfort, Healing, and Meaning 

Ultimately, in order to navigate painful life transitions well, we need God's Word -- all sixty-six books of it. This means that even if we're enduring a low valley, we need to be progressing through reading the entire Bible -- setting aside time daily to know God more through His written testament. Not only should we read God's Word, though; we also need to study it and meditate on it often. God uses our devotional life with Him to pour strength into us and transform us more into His likeness. Don't allow what may be the business of a tumultuous season to keep you out of the Bible. Even when time in God's Word doesn't feel magnificent, the Holy Spirit is still using our time in the Bible to grow us spiritually. Do not give up your daily pursuit of the Word when you feel weary, but recognize your increased need for wisdom.

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path" (Psalm 119:105).

5. Remember other Christians who have gone before

Sometimes, the presence of suffering in our lives feels like a dreary storm cloud settled over us, not soon to pass. It can seem like a brutal season of life is going to last forever, and we may not be able to grasp what good is coming out of it. We get very "zoomed in" to the present moment when we are carrying something heavy, but when we remember that God has worked powerfully through millions of lives and millions of stories of suffering, we gain a new and refreshing perspective. What matters most is that God is glorified for all eternity. When we glance back at history and see some of the incredible ways God has accomplished His Work, it can provide hope for us as we endure the challenges of the day that even our most difficult moments are being worked together unto that end.

I've been really blessed by the testimonies of Christians from history. Consider picking up one of these books:

- "God's Smuggler" by Brother Andrew
- "Evidence Not Seen" by Darlene Dibler Rose
- "The Hiding Place" by Corrie ten Boom


6. Develop your prayer life

In Psalm 55:22, we are commanded to: 

"Cast your cares on the Lord, and He will sustain you." 

Hard times can become a catalyst for prayer. God is a compassionate, engaged Father to us who is moved at a heart level over the suffering of His children. We can always approach Him when we are downcast. God never requires that we "get it together" before coming to him; no, He comprehends our weakness fully and does not despise our dependence upon Him. Jesus loves when we draw near to Him. Scripture says: "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you" (James 4:8). Open up your heart to your dependable Savior who has borne your griefs and carried your sorrows (Is. 53:4); bring Him your every desire, hurt, and need. "Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalm 62:8).


7. Consider the Magnitude of the One you Worship

In the book of Daniel, we read one of God's Names: The Ancient of Days. 

“As I looked, thrones were placed, and the Ancient of Days took His seat; His clothing was white as snow, and the hair of His head like pure wool; His throne was fiery flames; its wheels were burning fire. A stream of fire issued and came out from before Him; a thousand thousands served Him, and ten thousand times ten thousand stood before Him" (Daniel 7:9-10a).

That is the kind of God we serve -- one who holds sway over the entire universe. 

God is bigger, greater, and stronger than every painful situation we ever experience. When we pause to remember the magnitude of our powerful God, who holds sway over all things, we can approach change well, with confidence that the Ancient of Days remains in charge over it all.

If you're reading this post, just hoping for some support in the midst of a transition that hurts your heart, know that I am praying for you. You aren't alone in this difficult season, and the God who has seen you through every trial of your past will see you through this hardship as well.

"Do not let yourself be thrown down or give in to despair. Stand evenly at the will of God...For after winter comes summer. After night comes the dawn. And after every storm, there comes clear, open skies" (Samuel Rutherford).

Reflections on Twenty Three: He Trains my Hands for War and my Fingers for Battle

If you've been around my blog for a few years, you may know that I typically publish a blog post every year on my birthday — reflecting on God's work and goodness in my life. As you may have noticed, there was no such blog post put up last year. 

Only a few weeks before my 23rd birthday, I had a painful breakup. When it first happened, I hoped I would be able to grieve and heal enough in the few weeks before my birthday so I would feel capable of sharing my typical style of post — one that gives honest detail, rather than pretending that all is well forever and always. But I couldn't get past the continual feeling of extreme vulnerability that came from the breakup, and so even after I began writing that reflection on year 22, I was not able to post it. For which I would like to apologize...I started this blog with the intention to share honestly and transparently about the journey God has me on...I always attempted to use each birthday reflection as a means to edify others — and I am a firm believer that pseudo-perfection exuded by some Christians who refuse to share any level of transparency is more damaging than helpful. We don't set good examples for others by acting like everything is fine and that all is perfect — it is in our weakness that Christ is strong [2 Cor 12:9]. This does not ever permit us to give sin a free pass in our lives, or to "be real" in ways that dishonor the name of Jesus — rather, it means that we must recognize that the reputation that most matters is certainly not our own — it is Jesus who must be lifted high in our lives, in every season, amidst our triumphs, amidst our failures, when everything seems wonderful, and on the days we're grieved to the very depths. "That in everything He might be preeminent" (Col. 1:18b). 

Although I failed to bring you with me on the surprising journey of year 22, I look forward to restarting this tradition for year 23 — and if I am blessed with the painful difficulty of future breakups, I'll bring you along in the birthday reflection of that year rather than being avoidant of doing so. Because God works in our heartache and pain just as much as He works in our joy and happiness.

Reflections on Year 23

Year 23 started off with grief after a breakup. Even if my day included many hours of work, the sadness I felt was the predominant thought I was constantly sorting through. "Will any good come out of this…? Please, oh God, would you mold me into the woman you intend for me to become? I have failed so many times and in so many ways, and yet you are present and working" [08.22.22]. In my free time, I found myself trying to understand the meaning of my suffering. I found these words helpful:

"How often do great afflictions work our lasting good" (CH Spurgeon).

"God is never closer than when your heart is aching” (Joni Eareckson Tada).

“In acceptance lies peace” (Elisabeth Elliot).

One thing was certain — my heartache was constantly pushing me to turn to the Lord in prayer and to run to His Word for direction, meaning, and healing. A few months prior, I began my new job at a pro-life nonprofit, working in marketing. My boss was about to resign and become a stay-at-home mom to her baby, who was soon due. Conversations within the nonprofit organization about how to restructure the departments when she left were continual — eventually, I was offered the opportunity to be promoted. I was scared but felt that I should take on the promotion for the unborn. The nerves would gnaw at me when I thought of being in charge of a department: "This weekend, I have been talking to mom about how nervous I am to become a manager. My boss…will resign in about 4 weeks, and then I will begin to manage [my other coworker]" [09.03.22]. It was time to learn new skills and be pushed into a role I wasn't completely sure I was ready to take on. It felt like going skydiving without a harness.

Roe v. Wade and Proposal 3

Around the same time, the pro-life nonprofit launched a full-on campaign against the pro-abortion constitutional ballot initiative Proposal 3 that threatened to fully deregulate abortion and legalize the killing of preborn infants through the ninth month of pregnancy in Michigan. I was extremely frustrated that pro-abortion groups were targeting our state. Many pro-life advocates had been working for decades in Michigan to end abortion, and, finally, once Roe v. Wade was overturned, the states had the freedom to protect the unborn (although, our large-scale aspiration is for a federal abortion ban). In Michigan, a court case known as People v. Bricker affirmed our pre-Roe statutes banning abortion from fertilization, only holding an exception for the life of the mother. I was very hopeful that this statute would be in effect before the summer of 2022 was up if the Supreme Court successfully overturned Roe. I am so grateful the bloody, evil case Roe v. Wade was rightfully overruled on June 24, 2022. This case was the epitome of discrimination and injustice and led to the deaths of over 63.5 million unborn children — each one an individual who deserved love, protection, and human decency. Instead, they were brutally killed. May we live our lives in such a way that testifies to their value — relentlessly pursuing justice for unborn lives.

That case, People v. Bricker, whatever came of it? Well, the abortion ban was in effect for something like 6 hours on the day Roe v. Wade was overturned prior to an unjust injunction being placed on the law. I would like to take a moment to state the obvious — WHY would the leaders of the state of Michigan stop a law from being in effect that protects tiny babies from having their limbs cut off, their nutrition taken away to the point of starvation, and their tiny bodies being suctioned away to death? This injunction led to many specific babies being killed — children whose names are not known to us — but whose lives deserved protection. It was incredibly sickening to me that even once God had so great a mercy on our country as to expel Roe v. Wade from our nation's laws, the state of Michigan had so great a disdain for the lives of the unborn that the slaughterhouses were reopened immediately after they were closed. God will not hold our state guiltless for the grave sin of violently killing babies — ninety of them every single day — especially considering that He provided us a clear opportunity to do what is right in His eyes, to protect defenseless infants who cannot scream out in their own defense.

Campaigning & Canvassing

But, of course, a majority of the politicians and state legislators were unsatisfied with merely putting an injunction on the anti-abortion law Michigan had passed a hundred years ago...No, they argued, it must be utterly abolished. Thus, pro-abortion groups, including the ACLU and Planned Parenthood Advocates of Michigan, announced their intention to collect signatures for a constitutional ballot initiative that would repeal every pro-life law ever passed in Michigan and make abortion legal until the 9th month of pregnancy. Due to these horrific circumstances, the non-political group I worked for started our very own 501c4 (a type of nonprofit organization that does political advocacy) and launched a huge voter-education project. If wealthy pro-abortion groups would attempt to change the trajectory of our state to see to the deaths of many more babies, then we would put up a full-fledged fight against it, in hopes of stopping their pro-abortion intentions. 

Alongside many other young and passionate advocates,  I began canvassing for hours on end — working to convince Michigan voters in the mushy middle to vote no on Proposal 3. We were often working well over 40 hours per week, taking on as much canvassing and educational work as possible, certainly to the point of overwhelm. I penned in my journal, "Oh Lord, please help me to genuinely believe that you are here with us, toiling among us, helping our efforts. Please cause Prop 3 to fail. I know you are able. Show us your power. Please give me peace in the storm" [10.07.22]. Our team of a little over 20 staff and 1,000 volunteers was able to get 30,000 no-votes confirmed at people's front doors.

Throughout this season of constant door-knocking, I was working through my own struggles of uncertainty about my life story: "Please help me to remember that you were present in my past. My past does not make sense to me, but I know you see how it is all being worked together according to your purposes. I don’t understand why my story has had to be so broken and so full of loss. Lord, bring beauty from these desolate ashes" [10.20.22]. In the moments between doors and on the road driving to the next canvassing location, you could often find me deep in thought, considering my past and how things were being worked out. God was faithful to give me strength and fortitude to keep advocating for life amidst my own personal highs and lows — "Blessed be the Lord, my Rock, who trains my hands for war and my fingers for battle" (Psalm 144:1).

Election Day

Alas, the much-anticipated election day arrived. I joined the pro-life nonprofit's staff and some of our volunteers for the election watch party. Everyone went off to bed by 11pm, but I couldn't sleep — I prayed continually for Proposal 3 to fail and hoped for a miracle. The polls were close throughout the night. I fell asleep around 2 in the morning, uncertain of the results....soon to awake to the news: "Proposal 3 has passed into law. Oh Lord, spare our land from this evil. Change the hearts of those who voted yes. Lord Jesus, save unborn lives" [11.10.23]. It's hard to describe the extreme level of devastation every person on our team felt. Tears were numerous. Our hearts were broken for the women and children of Michigan.

Each of our staff went forward from that day with fresh resolve to fight for the unborn, even if the circumstances were grim. Unborn children have a right to our defense, even in the most difficult seasons.

“No matter how this season feels to me internally, He is faithful and He is working in my life. He will have His way and He will accomplish His will in me. Maybe it is difficult. Maybe I am hurting some on the inside. But He is nonetheless present and faithful. God is working together all the painful events of my life for my good — even if I have not yet seen what that good is. Lord, show me your love is endless” [11.28.22].

I clung to the hope that "Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth” (Psalm 124:8). The same God who created every preborn child was going before me in my internal hardships and in the difficult fight for life in Michigan. 

In December, I took a trip to DC for a week to visit my friend Myah. This trip was refreshing to my soul after working constantly to stop Proposal 3 — being away from reminders of the campaign gave me an opportunity to rest. I spent a lot of time on that trip reflecting in my journal about the recent happenings in my life — asking God to work in the events that felt confusing to me. The Lord continually reminded me of His sovereignty over my life experiences — "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me" (Psalm 138:8a).

That winter was marked by continual work for the unborn, attending a church small group & building community with other Christians, and a horrifying event....

Active Shooter

On a February evening, my sister Cami sent my family a text, telling us that there was an active shooter on her campus. Cami was lying on her dorm room floor with the lights off; she and her roommate had moved their dresser against the dorm room door in case the shooter would attempt to come in. I was completely horrified. My little sister and her friends could be violently killed. I watched news coverage as the police attempted to track down the gunman — no family was allowed to access the dorms until the police could clear the building. I wanted nothing more than to pick my sister up from school and bring her back home for her safety — about an hour from the campus. But I could do no such thing. All we could do was text her and call with whispered voices to attempt to make sure she was ok. 

Praise be to God, her life was spared from death, but, tragically, several students on her campus did die that evening. It was incredibly traumatizing for her. I got in my car the following morning and picked her up from campus. I reflected later: "Lord Jesus, thank you for defending Cami from violence yesterday night when the active shooter was on campus. She could have been killed. She was in the part of the campus where the shooter later killed people only an hour before he got there. Thank you for protecting her and defending her and keeping her safe and for answering our prayers for her" [02.14.23].

Sometimes we don't even know to pray yet about something...and God shows us His care, mercy, and power by intervening before we even know there is a problem. So it was the night of the shooting. My sister and her friends all met up at one of the cafeterias on campus to hang out. They intended to stay at the cafeteria for several hours, but, for some reason, they suddenly felt they should all leave and go back to their dorm rooms — an hour before the shooter entered that very room of the campus with a loaded gun and intent to murder students. I believe God was present in that cafeteria that night and caused my sister and her friends to leave. He showed us His mercy and spared my sister's life and the lives of her friends by granting them the sense that it was time to leave. 

God is faithfully at work every day of our lives, but that day I saw his powerful hand in a way that was incredibly tangible. Remember — God is working in your life, protecting you in ways you may not even see today, and going before you in ways you do not even know. Who knows what kinds of daily miracles He might be doing in your life that we may not know about until heaven.

A New Cause: Becoming Passionately Anti-Porn

I have always been against pornography, but recently this passion has grown. I shared a simple Tweet I found interesting about how harmful porn is in relationships and many people commented — apparently I really stirred the pot. A Christian guy I know commented on my post about how he regularly views porn and it’s fine — he argued all that matters is that a guy doesn’t lie about it. Such a perspective is itself a lie from hell…His unbiblical defense for something so harmful, objectifying, and wrong was one catalyst that grew my anti-porn passion to greater depths. 

Around the same time, I was studying the book of Hebrews and encountered this verse — “God will judge the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4). As I meditated on this verse, I wrote in my journal, “Those who have given themselves over to sexual sin will be judged by God. God hates sexual impurity. So let me — with God — love the sinner and utterly hate the sin. Lord, make me braver in the depths of my soul. Give me courage and conviction” [02.16.23]. We must courageously live out biblical sexual ethics no matter the cost. Even if you are "that weird girl with strange convictions" to those around you — it's better to be unwanted by pornified men than to drop our standards in a vain attempt to obtain social acceptance. The One who paid for our sins with His very blood deserves MORE from His children than blind surrender to sin. It's time for all Christians to become fierce anti-porn advocates. Not only should we oppose something as extreme as pornography, but we must also attack its root — lust.

Another catalyst that grew my anti-porn passion was receiving a message from a girl my age who married a man who is ongoingly addicted to porn — she explained that she knew about the addiction before they married, and that it is hurtful to her that her husband regularly looks at porn, but argued that this is just the way it is. It broke my heart to hear how she had dropped her standards and put up with something in their relationship that so clearly violated her conscience and her deepest desires for marriage, knowing he was not able to be faithful to her. Women must date more fiercely, ask hard questions, and be willing to break up if a guy has an ongoing addiction of any kind — for the sake of healthy homes and God-glorifying marriages. It's easier said than done to date this way, but we cannot reflect Christ as we are called to or transform culture effectively if our spouse or ourself is chained to addiction.

Changing My View of Money

I am a pretty spontaneous person...not only with the way I run my calendar, but also with money...For a number of years, I held an unbiblical view of money and saw it as a necessary evil. I often felt that I didn't need to figure personal finance out extensively — I hoped to marry young, and wanted to pass that responsibility off to my husband...I didn't like money or managing it, after all. But a few breakups later, I started to realize that there was no guarantee I was going to marry, so I better figure out how to steward money more carefully on my own. Being a free-spirited spender made it hard to meet my financial goals, but I also lacked insight about where my money choices weren't effective. 

I started reading about Dave Ramsey's baby steps and was intrigued. I had lived mostly debt free, but had made the poor decision in the spring to finance an expensive camera lens for my photography business. I was stressed by the payment plan — even though I was able to manage it — I hated the feeling of debt hanging over my head. So I started the debt snowball, paid off the lens, and became 100% debt free in a few months. I found the Ramsey process of paying off debt so helpful that I was intrigued to learn more.

In April, I took Financial Peace University for the first time, and was incredibly inspired. I finally stopped seeing money as inherently evil, and began embracing a more healthy perspective that it is a tool to be stewarded properly for God's glory. I began the process of working on "Baby Step 3" and saving an emergency fund; it was incredible to watch my behavior around money transform. Dave Ramsey often says: "Personal finance is 20% knowledge and 80% behavior" — suddenly, it clicked. It wasn't really my lack of knowledge about personal finance. I truly had "bad money behavior." Lol. By starting zero-based budgeting with their Every Dollar app, regularly tuning into their financial show, and holding myself accountable to actually follow the budget I set, I began making significant progress. 

Honestly, this whole journey was such a testament to how incredibly gracious God is to us as we grow. I look back, even just a few months ago, before I began working on correcting my wrong view of money, and I feel kind of cringe. But God is such a gentle, gracious, and patient teacher. He sees every single area of our lives He wants altered and transformed to reflect Him more fully — and He lovingly convicts us through the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts. It gives me hope to look back and see His care — I've been working for a long time — since I was 14. And I just now learned how to effectively manage money. Yikes. But God is a gracious teacher — He loves His children. When He convicts us, it is always to bring about greater life and health in us. I'm thankful for His kindness.

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I have so much to thank God for. I look back over all these memories and many more with gratitude — isn't is amazing how God uses grief, pain, difficulties, and challenging circumstances to cause us to recognize our need for Him more fully? He is a loving Father, and He cares so well for us.

In May, I wrote this verse in my journal, and I think it sums up well how I feel coming to the end of one year and beginning a new one — “Lord, you establish peace for us; all that we have accomplished you have done for us” (Isaiah 26:12)

I enter year 24 with expectancy — He goes before me.